the clock strikes 12

like mice we travel in packs
10 , 20, 30 of us at a time
drinking well into the night
no stranger to the life

but at the magic hour
before the clock strikes 11
the mind starts to trick
in like a thunder storm
the desire an abandon
all rational thinking
no voice of reason in the vicinity
overcomes and pulls pulls pulls
flooded by the juice
let go of this world
this industrious, productive, illustruous
sunlight, daylight all could be gone in a flash
your life can change in a minute if you want it to
everything you work for
let it go like a drop in the bucket

then it clicks in as the clock strikes 12
this childish chase for a few minutes of bipolar bliss
ecstatic manic mania
her words coming at you like a dead weight
just a few minutes ago
for a whole damn hour
creating chaos in the young who can't understand
in lives that don't crave it
thank god for them
for
all of a sudden waken by another voice
the reason is in

because the mice are wise
by far and beyond
when the clock strikes 12
knowing the end must be near
no matter how much we wish
we could
revisit our youth

just one more time
just one more night
watching daylight

but alas we know
the pleasure is for naught
we've learned from our mistakes
and it's not the pretty anymore

when the clock strikes 12
we know
its almost time to go home

at least start winding down not up
she says
and the clock strikes 12 in my head

a few more hours of social smiles
talks and wine
a night cap indeed
keep the glamour alive

the mice scurry home before the clock strikes 3
and will sleep in bliss
in a dream of clouded flurry
and wake to a new day

anxiety

having these dreams of return this devolver
revolver

still the wounds are fresh
but sadness flows with ease
where once it was tainted with fear
anxiety and unrest

and the calls between the whispers
encrypted messages
that suggest that we all believe there is hope

all or maybe just 2
how did we let someone suck us so far away from our dream

when we're strong and diligent and forthright
our one fault is that we believed
in persons who perhaps led us on

there i go again
back into that head
the space of the mass
the ego of the band

where if we sit stuck
we'll never find the courage to move on
let go of the past
that wounded the soul
that masked our pain
that sank all of our hopes
and saw to our demise

we shouldn't let this be
sitting empty
like forever misty

soy demasiado viejo

estudio, estudiaste estudiamos
mi amor

y cuando su tarjeta encanta?

y cuando llorar en sus manos?

yo dijiste nada mucho

cuando el extremo de la lluvia

a ningún miedo del final i
esto sofocará a nuestros fosos
soy ya cansado del dios de estas caras,
i tan intolerante de ignorancia

las muchachas tontas
que hacen preguntas estúpidas
tienen creencia joven encajada y coja tienen
i crecidas tanto que soy cansado de la juventud y de su represión
o soy yo acabo de cansarse de derecho poop

flower

hung up on last nights weather
there are good things in every air
in the big picture
but sometimes we get caught in the ventilator
focused on our moles
on our blemishes
confused to our core

i feel far removed from my old friends
from a time unknown a world depleted from memory
do you remember the day
you laughed at my dreams
as i write songs on my guitar meant for another place
together i forged with ones that believed
leaving the weeping behind
though it melted into my bones
swimming in my blood stream
like precious drops of gold
meant to take me back to days of old

i've treated so wrong, the world that did me tough
i've treated so bad, the world that laughed when I fell
now i smile and suggest i'm a flower
new people float in and out thinking of me sweet
innocent, kind,
until they meet my calloused soul

socially awkward

Late nights liquor rock and roll blues
takes a toll on the body soul and system
we sleep so few dark days in arms of this stranger
who becomes quite so near

I remind myself the blurry lacerations on my eyelids
represent the risks I take
in life
to go places I might not have seen
otherwise

It's not for everyone or the faint of hearted
who sit around and beg for safety
watching these little ones behind the desks of sterility
reading somewhat so they stay in the know
vicarious voyeurs

But in the do, is the risktaker, who can't sit still
or the methodical be-er planning and preparing

you gotta be out there my sister
do upon do, be upon being
let not the fear grab hold let your ankles be free
like dating online, when it's really not so hard to meet people

common-place

Trying to squelch the desire
the jealousy and worry, my fear and envy
that bubble up in my throat
when I look in your mirrors

you're too cool and annoyingly so
i think ye try too hard
sometimes glamourous sometimes yellow
i know the real you doth afraid too much
your name in lights like your drug
an escape from reality
but i guess i've got some old ways
old arrogance and conceit
i hate bubble game and the color pink
and i think you're too old
to be playing this game
to be craving this much

and you think if you change your name
live the unplain, above the strip
you can run away and forget all the pain
this world doth sustain day to day

i guess i try and avoid because i'm easily swayed
even though i know my face, my place, my ways
that child inside that fears
being left behind, forgotten, overlooked
when its common-place
with books and brains we'd better off
and win this race
that the end of the world will soon erase

tires

figure this thin
let nothing else in
tired long days
spent in fin

fin del sol
of the jack of all trades
cowboy this way
the west road

is now silent and cold
musty and mold
fog sitting untold

sadness and tears unfold

my best friend its been
no anger bin frin
wicked holding it in

careless

i can't help this feeling of selfish
and bored of these people

just wanting this silence
just wanting this music
lullaby
as i float in my own ethanol
wanting my own bliss
for this first time ever
my head, my hair, my own lipstick
and fashion
it takes over

i know you think i should call you
and i'm wondering why i no longer do
in my head to i think i should too
but i don't
and i don't care

i don't care if you just fade off into the distance
if your hair just falls off your head
and my jesters
puppets hanging from the rafters
i could care less about your time
your boring bonding that needs me
that wonders where i go when i am gone
your boring bonding that needs life
that assumes i need it too
and assumes i am not living up to you
i could care less about you

take a risk but take the right ones
for the wrong ones are your ego telling you
to ignore the truth
and that is just plain stupid

my phone rings endless

short blonde bus driver
tuckered out for the night
my eyes slithered twithered
and i fell asleep early
while gangs of old stayed up all night dancing
at the club on drugs

i can't bring myself to pull the skin back on
the old life geez it calls me
but the new life begs me not to go
while my phone rings endless

there is no space and i look down
feeling reverent and above ground
digging in with both hands and feet my journey
in these tips
so into outer space i've floated
still softened by your accpetance
you want me around
but i'm boring
in my own world
in my own head
full of my own self

i can't bring myself to pull the skin back on
it sloughed and sloughed and finally fell off
but still my phone rings endless
and i must sit back and think

out loud out spoken out done

there are some tenets
which cannot be spoken
motor wilson will rise to the occasion

the spokes of this sonnet
ungreased unridden
the days of old coming to a close

with reverence and a smile i say thank you to thee
the words will be new towards some other ending
still keep this page open for access to see
a new word one day incase soliloquy

no longer living in the shadows of fear
no longer hiding from this one or that one
my dear

sleep will come whenever its needed,
if it keeps you up at night so let it be
i'm not saying happiness with always prevail
but widom and knowledge and patience will
keep the spokes turning churning at a steady pace

explore the new places that excite and revive
with your style
we think it's nice
and your smile
will intice

millenium phenomenon

hidden people on blocked web pages
we broadcast our lives like this
where's the privacy gone
where's the mystery gone
we get to know these strange faces

kind of like riding the train in the vast desert
looking down at the Weekly Times
headphones plugged tight
no communication but the glance over the shoulder
holding fast to the rail as we are sped away to our destination
in the big city our office our cubicle wherever
where we log on steadfast

is this where you'd rather meet miss-she's-the-one-i-wanna-spend-the-rest-of-my-life with
or are you looking for an overnight success story to reinvent your own
self-promotion if you've got something to promote or in that sort of business
just staying in contact with friends who's connection long gone
the final thread that superficially says
these are my roots

so simply done
with a few clicks of a mouse
and some words
words that women are known for blabber they call it
because they'r threatened by the knowledge

visual pictures but you're more than just a pretty face
right?
or perhaps you don't really care to be
and your existence is all here in one shape
2 dimensional myspace

overrated

i've got this wing growing out of the side of my back
half of it's covered in fleece
in the midnights twin race
like the indiana 5000

women starve themselves to be thin
and tell me i mustn't get hungry
but this has what has caused the druggin my sister
this anorexic mentality

a mother misled in life
punishing her children for living
a life they did not ask for
subtle messages strewn all over their bedrooms
do this for me do this for me
no one cares about you
i brought you into this world
now let me kill you

and the brave grandmother smoking her maneshewitz
wind walter smoking jungle
tells her grandchildren to stand tall
fuck the man that gathers

there isn't much to it
and silence is overrated
but more valuable than your cheap words sassafras
keep on licking your lips for some smart
cheap boy tries to sell you a story so compelling
you lose your identity

it's not worth it to have your heels dragged through the grass
for love makes them all blathering idiots
we don't need mama to learn us that
still we hang on like its the only thing that matters

dirt and jeans go play in the meadow
don't come home for dinner
this time together is overrated
stop being such a sensitive idiot

crossing

still confused about the same thing
several years running
there is a reason i'm here
i tell myself
a reason to wait and accept the pain
but the punishment appears to be never-ending
am i learning my lesson, and growing
or growing despondent

wanting to hear the explanations
over and over
why am i hiding again?
still the same thing

is there a way for my polarities to exist
together in one plain
because i know they cause people pain
its hard to put your eggs in my basket
when i fluctuate from extreme to extreme
in minutes of time

but in the greater scheme of things
it's not bad
and i'm ok

wondering how these things can crossover someday

retrograde

it seems as though the matter is confused misconbobulated fiddle faddled mixed up and you'r just angry

that its not you with the wayward ways upset that you cannot accept because you want to be like me but maybe it's just not in you
and that should be ok.

i don't know if i'm just not getting old yet, or if its the way it will always be and if the former is true than should i be angry? and if the latter is true should i be scared? and if neither is true than who am i and what is really going on? should i sit down, sit still, and relax? that is not the way i imagined it, nor expected it to be. but maybe thats the natural course i want it to be.

wait until mercury goes strait into the veins
and then break out into an allergic reaction

if i'm still crossing this road, have i chosen the wrong path? or am i just waiting for the light to turn green?

my glove

i carry this love like
a glove that is stretched out
worn in leather
so comfortable a perfect fit

for some reason i struggle
sometimes it confines me
and i wish to tear this glove
throw it's worn out threads
into the trash
sick of the gaping hole in the pointer finger

so i cut off all the fingers
and i got the glove re-stitched
now this glove fit so much better
the leather refinished

but in time the old stains shown through
the stretch out inevitable
more holes new in places we never knew
so i cut off the wrists

and i had them dyed, a new color
gave them some embelleshiments
pearls and gems bedazzler
like my earings

then they became so gaudy
i tore them off once again

i set them aside
knowing my love for the glove
and will revisit them when it becomes winter again

but in the meantime i walk my days alone
in despair wishing the glove was with me
there, everywhere i go in my dreams
my life my love

i know the sadness that ensues
when my glove is ripped away

graves

i've fallen in these holes and i can't get out
i know there is a move but it must wait
it's truly just not going to sew itself back up is it
keeps coming apart at the seams

i guess i've got to start deliberating
setting the sights toward some new vision

no one is happy this way
and i'm a dead wilted weed
that waited for some flower to bloom
but swallowed by drear and gloom
the sunlight never shone
and my leaves browned
expecting and then shot down

you're living for wheels and meals
and i'm begging for some room
to spread this callousled wings
now frozen in time
gliding down to the earth
diving into the ground

and these extremeties must go away
eventually
no one waits for you anyway
living lies why should i even expect them
to
driving my soul deep into the mud
swallowed by the dirt

your judges

spiraling upwards out of this mess
tears came today
this journey finally under way

and by dim light we rock writing rhythms and songs
in the backroom of some santa monica cottage
rolling back the shades and drinking wine
we let the creativity flow

for the expression of some lesson
some divine intervention
and songs that give off the impression
that we're hardened by life

but sweetness endures even in the most aged
the lights too bright on forced stages

and girls trying to be so nice
not remembering the judges
that tried to hold me back

although i guess it was my weakness that
was penetrated

smile, be nice, cordial and quite
wise without too many words that
suggest omnipotence
and impotence
coupled with pretense
your judges stifled such things
that my memory cannot erase
my reactions may not change
going forward

so though, its your way
and may not be your fault
your being thwarts growth
and barrens gardens

writing working industry

the rapist by day trying to get it going
many years in preparation for a
brainy career

art tist by night in my room
smoking away
writing for days
poetry words and letter
to myself about god knows who
for the universe

guitar and pen
tools like friend
no time for a social life
or many of those ends

planning to contact these people again
but just to say hi
keep the lines open

but really doing other things not crazy to be

easier said than done

no obligation in the things we do
you'd rather die than fraternize
tonight
sell out, stuffy pants, ultra hip family clan
pretention and format, the token fill-in-the-blank
california liberal right winged city folk
artsy and pretending to be free
it's not in you but at least you've got the right idea

and i falter way too much
and forget and start to do things
out of blind obligation
and assumption

wanting them oblivious to their slight offering
giving way too much
and getting little in return

it's kind of become my way

but you remind me there's better things for me
and i should stand proud and believe
in the things that are within me
such things i do weakly continuously
deep down knowing it's in me
and that you are right

live honestly and peacfully
truthfully and give to those when
it fulfills
stop caring about what others think
easier often said than done

and appreciate everything else in me
it's a process
i thank you for helping me

cause i'm a lost soul ready to be freed

i get my glory in these restless days

the lights all are off
windows wide open
the winter air crisp and clean
wafting onto my legs

i need to study for this life
i need to make room for more knowledge
i need to dispell this love onto a more
static carnage

snores drift through the open space
i dare wake this sacred grace
i hit my coffee with my eager face
i get my glory in these restless days

the response of an old love
a teenage romance fling
of which an admirer of mine perhaps
but never gave me the time of day

i'm always far removed
like i belong on another planet
i wanted to be with you
but fear replaced me near

and friends in the late hour
stop by while i'm in my robe
smoking myself to death
eating cheese & wine by breath

talking of their pains
comfort in the shame we do
all of us together
even in the dead of night

i'm going to leave the house today
i'm going to make an effort today
the darkness of the days to come
settle in my bones

the victorian castle we call home

nerves today
nervous like a buttercup floating away

not sure why or whats to become
unsure of how to undo whats been done

figuring i can only rest assured
that the light will guide my way home

in the middle of the night
after i've followed all you night owls home
expecting warmth and love
only to wake up cold at your blue tv's feet
tired and defeat

stumbling home the walk of shame
as i give the old lady my last dime
the last nickel to my name

go home to my castle
where the shades are drawn
and sit down at my long table
and eat toast by my fireplace
cold dark hallways leading to empty rooms
with ghosts and nervous wakenings
happening under chandeliers shaking
the california faults breaking
the victorian castle i call home

windows shatter at sound of voices
that no longer matter

the refrigerator humming stops
the blood from the bowels of my goblet drop
the velvet rope on my robe knot
frazzled mess of a hair mop
wake up from this nightmare fraught with screams

run up the winding stairs to the white wind
i call my room
freezing breeze of dead leaves flow

solitude of my words caught
in a aching fire somewhere in my brain
i can't help but imagine where i should be
but in this victorian castle we call home

teaching wisdoms inner pull

swivel swirls and ergonomic uber
words that suppose work and wonder
how do you get to climb the corporate ladder
in your short dress and 4 hour cocktail lunches
chanel hair clip and prada sandals
when you don't have a work-a-holic bone to speak of?

ok, perhaps somewhere you've snuck by
shortcut queen calling yourself some sort of martyr
strait-a-student or world traveler
with so little integrity to speak of

make it rich make it rich the motto of today
so proud of yourself
and he follows you as the goddess, a puppy with no home

while i travel through streets of poverty, guns and warfare
wondering how i can convince her to stay in school
stay off drugs and gangs
and out of motherhood
wretched, strangling, all encompassing motherhood
the fear of becoming the pitied overwhelmed sad mother
age 16
my livelihood

and art and creation, independent film study for 15 years
playing music and drawing, cutting out pictures from magazines
with 10 year olds and sticking them on with glue
liberal arts and advocacy and humanitarian integrity
teaching wisdoms inner pull
make it rich a fleeting wish

he once did follow me
i shut my door on him
more than once

because i am the biggest judge of them all
expecting honor and righteous ness
and color and wisdom
to garden my life

arrogant and conceited
full of ideals and abstract rules

show me your wisdom
or i can't fathom our friendship
for too long

Evil
I may appear
BUT like confuscious was
who unlike jesus felt that arrogance
was necessary to fight the fools-a-plenty
accepting one and all like jesus
is not our way

for how can you be any good
when people are raping and pilaging you?

a feeble mess

why because i dream
midnight mid-stream
and i age a little every day
recognize i can only do for myself
now what i did with you
for you

all those years
because at first it was so fun
and i was ready i was young
but in time you took control
took advantage took hold
and i followed gave in
gave what you needed to feed you
kept you going strong, partially for me
when indeed i was right
you said it yourself
you couldn't do it on your own

but you took it as a message to rely
to expect such things
knowing i'd pull you along
expectinging i'd beg you plead with you
needing me to pull you out of your bouts floundering misery
well, thats not my style
maybe i gave you that impression
my sometimes fear my neediness inability to do it alone
when i was always there ready and willing
wanting you to drive me too
believing in togetherness we do
not knowing we'd move mountains
the power of two
but in the end i knew
i wasn't in this for you you you
there had to be something for me

and damn i've paid my dues with you
money, time, me always going to you
in your space, doing it your way, your pace
waiting for you, running for you
being sharp on my toes always for you
and now that hard work will be spent on me
only me
because you took it away from me

you still try and
i don't blame you
for i've blugeouned you
allowed to fester what was natural for you

but you still in the few minutes i give you
or try to take
manage to steal control pilfer onto you
reminding that your judging
expecting it to shift my views
reverse the direction i will go
god, you must think i'm weak
or hope

it wasn't weakness that you experienced with me my friend
it was determination and compromise
for the good and the better of much bigger things

and you must think i don't judge
your sickly ways
so unattractive
i have no desire to be near anymore

and you try to control
with what little control you have of your life
mine

god, it's so manipulative
but i know you only want what is best for you
trying to find it in a crazy scary world
and it's sad to see you a feeble mess
lost and confused
but geez you have no clue

and one day i hope you will see
the world will not wait for you

supporters don't lead

in my dream last night
the 3 came to me
angry as can be annoyed
at this beauracracy
then one asks me about mine
something i wrote

wake up this morning to reality
how one is removed
and i who has tired of retribution

grab it and run own up and take charge
it was yours
we were supporters
and now we will run and take charge of what is ours
instead filling your days with drinks and late hours
is there anything solid
mingling with fellow ex-cohorts
as though their aquaintance can replace the hard work

or perhaps still looking for that someone who will
coddle you hold your hand and join your debauchary
consumed art
i hope that prince comes for you

things are not as they appear

in meditation today
something about the 10/17 and the 10:17
and the 17 hours
not really sure what it means

some sort of release realize who your being
your being something real
it's all too beautiful to conceive
this spirtual revealing

but for 17 hours today till the clock
strikes 1:17am look into your soul
and be

is this what happens today
is this what it means
lots of endings and some beginnings
for me

i hurt many today in a simple this is life sort of way
letting them know, that i'm leaving in a few days
the last long several years stuck in the same space
3 years is my cap. i am realizing my dear
up to 3 years, till i hit the ceiling
i will put up with what i believe to be necessary
for my resume or checklist
for these notches on my belt, my nightstand, my head rest
and pounce on the next unsuspecting suspect
but i'm so loving, to your bewilderment
you can't help but grab on for fear of what will replace me
when i'm gone

it's natural
it's part of life
this loss

and i hurt people with my honesty, my subtle words that come out
cuz i can't keep it in, and i reap the percussions of hurdling at your soul
your eyes disillusioned, because i wasn't honest before
or perhaps i didn't disclose
thus, I led you to believe that things were 100% good
or the way they seemed
and you get off the phone so abruptly

caution in your voice
fear and sadness
and anger
for me so innocent and sweet
throwing a thorn threw your satchel
in the middle of your day when you've got a million other things on your mind
and you notice i've called, or expectingly wait, my laughter on the other end, life
only to hear
things are not as they appear
and the end is all too near

or visible not what you thought you knew
and tonight you have to reshape your world
resolve your old views
because you think too much about other people
and what they should be, and how they should do
when in reality its all your image and ideal

that no one else can
ever live up to
it's all on you
in your head
you

tonight you will rework in your dreams
and find someone new to grab on to

this is not a 9 to 5 job

specific worlds we need to target
want to start a business

who's got the looks who's got the brains
who wants to make lots of money
advertised in our face

smooth and easy i wanna flow
creation in nature whats natural

when you start to take charge of your own destiny
strange things begin to happen
like peace and quiet and inner solitude
restful nights and self gratitude

no one to give us deadlines anymore
this is not a 9 to 5 job
this is our livelihood

and it's amazing how smooth the words flow
out onto ether strums of your guitar
although its hard work
it becomes much easier when there is no message
of stress of pressure of mess

and you've chosen this world of self gratitude and hard work
away from the liberal town of freedom
and rest
and halt
though you get to keep moving
and see the fruits
remember who gets to feel the efforts of your labor
in the end they need it more

these rules can't confine me

people are afraid
homophobic and in the closet
still after all the years of educating
i have returned to this place
of ignorance and mighty mighty jesus
lord is king bible belt bliss

she is still afraid
hiding in her closet
behind words that represent
heteroism but in the form of suggestion
i'm not that way must be where she was raised
some corn field middle of america

but she's been in LA for 10 years, i scream
at the top of my best party dress with lipstick
smeared on my white pleather belt thick chains
meant to represent that i despse development
i'm anti-system, even still at this age

wondering, how can i get them to change their views
but haven't they given in
gone to Target and Starbucks, all in one day
it's cheaper that way to support the masses
when the middle class is as broke as ever
and the farms are no longer a commune of freedom
where can we go?

excited and sad hiding out in the dark
your silence still equals death
20 years running

and i've been open and out for 18 years now
letting people know
their rules can't confine me

to my family's dismay
it's not fair to be this alone
but it's brave
'cuz people are afraid

whats the point in hiding anymore

open book, lay your pages open
your heart be read

whats the point in hiding anymore
when you've got to be you
for you
at any cost

let the anger be within them
let them learn
they must accept you

these are the words that i preach
that i speak
that i believe
so true liberate your soul

surrender your honesty and let your life roll
down the path it needs to go
on its own
stop guiding it trying to control
it will find its way

as I pack my bags

a faucet is dripping water
meditate
things are changing too fast
but not fast enough

as i pack my bags
thinking about this long journey ahead of me
a new country
a new world

i still feel the illness inside me
trying to find ways to pester me
as it slowly exits my body

and i keep you in mind
people who need guidance
in my dreams you visit
as a reminder
to forgive you
for one day the light will guide you too

as i pack my bags
to leave this country
no big goodbyes
for i will most surely be back
if not in this life
in some form
to the place that was once a home
a semblance of a home
for home is within us
inside us

for so long

for a god damn reason child

i leave so fast but long
for these things called past
but when the time comes
feels so easy to just throw it all away
out the window

and run run run so far away
always remembering the way it was
begging myself to go back
but knowing i have come too far
for a god damn reason child

too late to go back
and you didn't want it anyway
and the others didn't want me to want it
either
anyway

sad when i left but brought me down
to toughen me perhaps
see if i can hack it
take the heat of crazy worlds i sought
cuz i'm an explorer, a traveler
but when the heat became too hot
like when the going got rough
i had no problem rolling
down the winding road
letting you know i would only be around for your honey
no vinegar for this free spirited soul

no vinegar to contaminate my fragile sensitive soul
that has no real place to go that flows in between
rocks and leaves when it empties into the river
you can't catch

like a fish in water i swim steadily
away from stagnant streams dried out

the fairy

somewhere on the corner of some streets
crossroads that have now become trendy
19th st, lexington, s. van ness

i remember your red lips, red hair, black boots
piercings holding your face together

i thought you were beauty
queen as the sun shone down on victorian
rooftops, velvetten rabbit smoke
of a hookah

as i walked to work as the waitress
of some seedy shady kitchen
in black and white

meet me at midnight under the street lights
some queer punk rock band, we forget who we
were, where we came from, as children
on our old fashioned bikes
you told me not to ride so late
all the way to you
but the other women do it
we knew
it was somehow safe in dyke-ville
gender twisted, dangerous drug-ville
with my lids heavy with eyeliner
castor oil in our hair
we liked it greasy

all of a sudden dating people we would never really know
in the straight world, the other world, a country out there
separated from reality and existence and a world
i still crave, god-damn
it's freedom massive mad freedom
removal from childhood
repressive depressive childhood
womanhood freed out there
in those mission streets

women in mens trousers and tightie-whities stuffed with socks
drawing on mustache is only an image
unreal but so real
not how we lived but what wasn't too far-fetched from that reality

don't mock your song about some girl
you silly little
simpleton vaude-villean

because its so liberating you could only be so lucky

and although i am the only one of us who knew
you with your boys pulling me llike glue

hanging on to that country
sweet twang betty in her black boots
it's soooo true
i couldn't put two-and-two
but it wasn't the same and i didn't always follow you
though fearful, afraid to let go now
it would be too far to go with you
down a tunnel of a forced destiny
when i wanna wear my glasses and write poetry thats beautiful
and drink wine from a goblet
in my victorian gown and button down gloves

stolen hot goods and bananas

Yesterday I gave Bindu my slut shoes
Today I really heard white boots
"I'm a man god-damn"
Damn we're a good band

my circus of madness

music words winces my glory
but after the dark always comes a better place

the nerves of a future day
when i am ready

need singers and players
to join my circus of madness
hired guns
or will they be part of my band

if i'm good
they will want to stay
but i just have to believe they may be good

no ragged drug slingers
gun slingers
i can't mess up the show

for i will be good
i will persevere
and the music will take control
driving us down down down
the path of no return

i will lead your ass out of hell

i carry your weight
i lead the weak
only to make them angry
feel less feel meek
when in reality it is me they feed
me they've freed

from the tattered claws of walking alone
come with me on this journey
brave storm
the weathers with me

together we feed the birds of our intestines
each other
but someday you will choose to walk alone
and i feel light
but it takes so long to replace and repair
fill the empty void that is there
but you make it easy with your reminders
that your carry is of a different share
i guess i should look at that too

but i can't help feeling it's unbalanced
and that is not my way
so i've gone to another coast

given you the road of most
while i eat out of plates so empty

i'm tired today
can't seem to muster up the fever today
but i will lead you out of their hell
and introduce them to a life of well
better ways to unstrap your wings
but i will not find you anymore
i will not convince you anymore
if you want me as your guide
you can look me up yourself

just another idea

east of the mississippi
somewhere off the coast of maine
orphaned children living thy name

the path of danger vengeance distrust
all for the man that wants your trust
funding your adventures
through your death comes so close
i think you will be thy first

door to door
by car and by train
they come to your rescue only to dump you
in someone else's vein

though i may not remember or do it for days
i'm on a lengthy mission
these things do not happen overnight
nor am i at will to discuss
your work, still under constrution
in progress
eating mush and cold bacon for breakfast
little children
too young to understand what is really going on
translates to narcissism so easily as you get older
unless you mature grow as well in your brain

orphaned children, or bastard by name
thy mind may not be nurtured
and thus you may appear vain

deliberate

the last night of the last day of the last week of the long months
of our drawn out demise

chalking it up to luck
our reverie of deliberacy
hard work married with the opportunities we grabbed
hours of cautious intention, designs school of rock
learning to read, and premeditated creation
that exist within afternoons of debauchary
within fear
that we can't go this road alone
wanting to talk, set the wheels in motion
it's the romantic notion of things that were

i believe it was grand, a time or two
images and memories

the power of unity, the number three, but let's not forget
the ones that nursed,
the nurse can never be the scientist
the scientist' assistance must provide support
great things can get created but
perhaps the luck was that we found each other
relationships built on idealisms of what would come
did come our way

and in reality the road can be built slow with a stone
let's not forget how it happened
and learn to translate these warriors of our days past
into the metaphors of today

plains

3rd born to a line of gangsters
cowgirl with no name
see me running

i can't hear anymore
these words fall on deaf ears
no more ringing
it has stopped
thank god
relief

sigh, i cannot be near you
chaotic, searching
i will not hear you

i'm tired
though i do get sad
cuz it was so great
but you wore me out
tired
and you left

till there was nothing left
of this minor
stripped the skin off a cubs back
when it was still a baby
still a baby
growing, needing nurturing
you withdrew

never happy
then nor now
it's your lot
go grow your withered leaves
before your bushes fail to thrive

the good work

whatever it takes
the work comes now
silence and reverie
mastubation of the heart

take the time to do the things you must
take the time to do the things you must
but never did before
distracted by lust
wine, wanting to lose control

still tasting the liquor
its sweetness on your lips
somehow make you realize
keep reading the classifieds

there is too much work to be done
tedious, paperwork
self addressed stamped envelopes
bladdity blah
slick her hair blue eyes, she's rather nice

and friends get borrowed on time by their new boyfriends, lovers, future wedded bliss be thy name
thats just how it goes as we get older
we'll still get on with our keys that no longer open doors
and find new knobs that turn slightly ungreased

and make plans as the days pass by
make sure their nice like the walk on the beach
spent with people you like who make you feel right
cuz after day comes night
and we all need to sleep

so do the good work when you can
leaving your nerves in the sand
realize it will all be done in good time

self motivated winnings

after what i saw last week
she's liable to fly off the handle at any time
and join a new band

she's craving the stage the lights
the recognition
willing to do what it takes
accept every invitation
desparate
for adoration

adornment-an ornament of style
which is catching the eye
and beautiful to look at on the outside
but wretched and dismembered on the inside
a lonely and empty soul

for even in the wake
of lights, camera, action
for which she should be honored
she let it be known
that she has other plans
always has other plans
another promise
of her life in lights
a dream she cannot nurture

never surely living, nor believing in her own
taking what she can
where ever it is offered
the leave in believe is spelled differently

and i'm just a spectator
of this unholy demise
that is driven by unworldly desire
for self motivated winnings

the path is never ending

suffocated by the noise
the blanket of the week
then space solitude empty
caged by the weekend

what happened to the one who got up got out and went?

where is the bliss in this emptiness of discontent?

breakfast, coffee water shed
your jeans your t-shirt, dirt spent

silver rings on your fingers
indian art on the backside of my hand
henna art
body art you crave to instill some movement creativity onto your soul
your body

words, unnecessary ruffness in them
when it could be left behind at home
in the room, where you retreat,
not spend the whole day

fuck the dust that settles on cheap wood
focus, forsee the words that replaces these slices
work write forget the words in their brain
suggesting what you know
is true
but there is more to come
this they may wish not
but when you do what you gotta do
things will happen inevitabley
keep it up my friend
the road is long and has been
the path is never ending

let do this already

filial is the new word today
though i waited and expected
based on other words said
and i read what is going on with you my dear
words you write
sing through your fear

just a believer and a dreamer but not a doer so
but i'll try to make it slow

hanging on to what i think is all i've got
when sheds the agony
i got a lot

of gusto and life
don't worry we'll work through this strife

it's the loneliest thing i'll do
sadness and fear and dread its true
just from a few days of blue ocean stream
changing moods and structure
two steps back and still moving forward
i promise

you are and happiness ensues, i want it to
but paranoia and envy encapusulate venues

let do this already

money

awake in the morning
i realize your name
the way i live my life
an excuse
for the way you live yours

people in india die from unknown causes
while you blame so easily
and it doesn't slide off
as you might think it should
as i wish it would

when the reality is that this is it

i find peace here
knowing how near to me
you are my dear

but the rest is a game
in my head, i guess
that you play to remind me
convince me, that it is me

the one who has caused us to be where we are

it's a game you play that works
to secure your position
in life

when in reality you would be no different
without me

like a child planning an outfit
for the next school day
this is it
and it is ok

at least we came to where we did
at least we came out here when we did
we could stay like this forever
and it would be ok

with no expectations in our head
of the future
except respect and honor

and everything that comes out of your mouth
is wishful thinking
but to put the dream into action
is a desire and drive you lack
although steadfast and sturdy you continue

if only to be discovered
while i play the lotto

a vision, an image you want to impress

i can't even afford the tattoo on my arm
that i want
that is real

slow and steady wins the race
that i will give you
but the rest is your dream
that i no longer believe

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

every time the reminders of what i've done
who i've been
where i've gone
what i've done
what i've done

as i sip the white wine
that i cannot even stand sweet sugar
sifting sand
and the sighs of worry
that i have to hear

i'd rather just avoid it all together

but that doesn't work either
then i feel sad, mad, comfort and guilt
all combined into one chaotic quilt

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

i'd rather just avoid it all together
because a part of me cannot deal
does not know how to deal
though this year i've gotten better

but still a slip up here, a slip up there
still moving forward on this painful path i need to walk
slow, often crawl, because i am afraid to admit
to the one who needs to hear it
in words
beause action speak louder

so i'm getting ready to go
in even that alone
though my laze wants me to avoid it
remain in the comfort of my home
afraid one day it will all be torn

all my actions, or inactions paralyzed by fear

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

but i know i've gotta please the one inside
can't live in fear
for others who may one day just give up on me
throw in the towel
because i'm just not worth the trouble anymore

which in that case, i'd be left with nothing
not even me

in this scenario
where i go
driven by gut
a step towards action and proof
at least i'd still have me
and maybe one more

i might just get some peace

is it time to wear boots again
as i stare out the window
i tire of los angeles' heat

with dreams of going back to a cooler time
but in that wish i would leave this all behind
music and art and that which i've built with it

i'm a ball of emotion
convinced i could take it with me
but the truth is i'm mad
been mad for far too long now

and indeed i could take it with me
i'm so concerned and consumed by guilt
or fear that i'll hurt the one i love
the one i unwittingly threatened
because of their lack of movement
wanting change and growth and life
when they inch along

so now their in
did what i asked
and i'm still not happy
ready to change the stakes again

because i'm retarded and strapped into guilt
by their words

when if i just let the guilt go
let the love in
let the anger go
let the art in

let the solution-focused theoretical crap
actually into my world
know where the words come from
start tuning in to the subtlety
i might just get some peace

in danger of flying off the handle

two steps back yesterday
or maybe three steps forward
i still cannot tell

when will i stop being so angry i said
and she's moving on
and they've all moved on
still practicing the media of song

i was fucked up for so many years
still sometimes have a hard time seeing clear
but i'm getting there, out of the woods
to the open space where i can finally say
i was wrong

i made a mistake

but only then i know it is too late

the emotions are there
torn
spare
soft and mushy flesh
an open wound

i dare say i might end up hurting
i need an adult to hold me in place
i'm always in danger of flying off the handle
making a bad decision
driven by passion, liberation

no wonder you are scared

but it won't happen that way anymore
but i can't deny that which makes me smile
makes me happy
is ultimately a part of my life

i'm not even going to pretend

i have nothing.
i'm not even going to pretend
just solitude, and comfort
and my good friends

i am nothing
i'm not even going to pretend
just simple, and easy going
with visions of cotton and denim

i do nothing
that warrants reward
i get out of it what i do
i'm not going to build it up

but it's beautiful to me
i exist in this heavenly
sometimes its hard
giving so much
giving so much up
to give this cup

of water to the children
of my heart you are not in need
of anything big
and i don't really achieve any great feat
in fact,
you may not see
me

for years and years, then one day remember
maybe you'll call

when you stop being angry

twig

you're barely 18
and i can see the fear behind those eyes
the pain of what is going to be lost
i carry your angst like a bounty in my brain

you yell, you're loud, you beg me within your tears
all in five minutes time
then you're gone
laughing
on to the next song

you're not even 18
and i can't remember your pains
i was much older then

and your troubles seem so little to me
your legs, your arms withering away
twig like a baby

mothering. sistering, stop the madness,
you have so much ahead of you

you listen, you nod, you agree
"this is all slowly killing me"

then you're gone
begging me not to go
you walk away with your heart in your stomach
but i believe you are in good hands

subtle reminders manipulative by nature

still trying to get over it
feeling bad or guilty when i don't wanna do something
but somehow feel obligated
even more i don't wanna

and i'm not a teen ager
so peer pressure should not be in my vocabulary
but kids as you get older
one thing your peers become better as is pressure

and if you're strong and not driven by a strange desire
to please or relieve your own guilt
or a fear of being alone
you can head it off at the pass
but if you feel bad, feel guilty
conscientous about people's feelings to the pure neglect of your own
then you'll have problems
people will know and use it against you
for thier good

mostly its a fear might to pass up some opportunity
but if to pass em anyway, why even bother
give people the wrong impression
that you might give a damn, be available when they need you
no, you won't so why even bother

thats where i am finally getting to
the place where i recognize
the only people i mess with are people who let me be me
don't expect anything
and don't get mad, sad

the ones that do
co-dependent too
will nip at your heels
you are their unsuspecting prey

with subtle reminders that are manipulative by nature
give an inch and they will take a mile

purpose

with persistence she presents and i want to unfold
empty out the chasm i'm holding in
because i want her to understand

but years of watching, wishing and wanting
trying, i have learned
tunnel vision, simplistic yet complex
hence i withold

i guess only marcy will know

when i say withold, its almost withdraw
but be nice, i'm reminded
it's not thier fault

we all want different things
and its best to stop trying to enlighten
the un-self-acutalizing un-ready

because it just makes you feel bad
angry and sad

so just go about your business
you know what you have to do

they want you
for their purpose
not willing to accept, or maybe they forget that
you have your own

a fine wine

it is supposed to be repair
some stiletto high heels
some 40's flower same size
your money is long here

resting your ears and your sweat glands
staying cool, sometimes tired
lonely, confused sad at loves shapes and sizes
but its the taunting of a sick wind that blew on sunday

envious of its beauty, its life you see in others
it's power to sustain you guide you
allow you to complete classes and grades
the same patterns of your youth
you can't accomplish alone

but resentful of it's boundaries
so defined
in ink
poetic guides you reprave
but need

so, it's all repair but for what end
to simply live and enjoy life, i say
put on your dark jeans and black wife-beater
in your denim jacket, studded belt
blue, anyway
dyed your hair again
looking so youthful, eating your fruit, i see
drinking your water and working out, we see

resting your ears, sweat glands, and mind
let the money flow in and guide you
it's all about the benjamins they say

so next time you will look good
rest and you get better with age
and smarter of course
because you read

an element of an elephant

today turned out to be my lucky day
even though there was an element of an elephant
when i wasn't afriad to let go
i was given something in return

so many days spent trying to walk away
but afraid
the elephant in the room getting bigger by the day
the elephant in my world, refusing to go away

finally when i let the energy go, just go
i let the new energy grow

it's like dead hair or a bad nail polish color
sometimes the illness is hard to let go
even when you know what you have to do
sometimes the truth is hard to swallow
the path hard to follow

but strength in mind, heart, and gut
is the only thing you can trust
not these people who frown, or taunt in disgust

telling you the illness is not real
trying to control how you think and feel
not willing to acknowledge the madness is damaging time
wreaking havoc on space

the illness is there on so many levels,
it's in their words
the way they evoke guilt

it's in their eyes
the way they suggest disappointment

it's in the glass
always full of contempt, until we toast, and drink and smile
so lets drink to drown these sorrows

the illness now in our veins, our togetherness
seeled in our blood

so many years i tried to walk away
but the patterns were so emblazoned on my cornea, my pupils
vision blurred

because what lay beyond was clouded by a fear that refused to clear
and they knew i feared, and they feared that the end was always near
and they tried to hold on, and they tried to remind me of who i used to be
they tried to get me to be that which is old, lent, spent, and used
for their good

the elephant reared it's head a few times today
but i refused to be re-used hahahehe, i just wanna laugh
because you'll never control me again

just a notion

the notion of mother fair soft smooth face lady
bear us with pain and never let us forget

the game of the father, shocked then fell for the daughters
who loved and lived the life you would want too

but yet you two pull them away from freedom
as your mind refuses to change. turn. view the evolution of what you knew

the choices you'd want for them limited in what you chose for them

because there aren't really that many choices are there
just more opportunities?
with you steering the reins
but you really could care less
you want them to follow the path you believe is right
you really could care less about the passion that lies in a nation built on freedom
from tradition

the notion of right
is only as true as the powers bestowed it by your family

but lo and behold the choices you wanted. the choices forth giveth the daughters
that led to the passion that burned in their goiters of love for the livers. their lovers. and lifers.

for what more you have given, lest you even believen, is the passion for freedom and the ability to fly

so why not just let them?

revel in the madness just for one moment, and enjoy what you birthen

another warrior

thank you to the ones that have honestly
and genuinely said what made sense to me
about me, i know you mean it sincerely

and the ones who keep their mouth shut
well i know what you're thinking
when you stare, size me up and down
but thank you for acting like you weren't judging me
there has got to be some civility

and the sweet ones, who admire me
appreciate my silly, covet my simplistic outward liberated mentality
thank you
you built me

and the ones who didn't come from a place of knowing me
and attacked me based on some inner security
you too have taught me in the beginning to hate myself
but you pushed me to take a better look at me and
in the end you helped me to improve myself
and appreciate this strength in me that people often confuse for weakness
or try to break down
but i can't help it
i'm a warrior

with scars and battle wounds to prove it

and those in my life, the teachers
did i pick you because
even as adults we need guidance
to learn what is still unlearnt

don't forget

i am the get shit done work mad like a frenzy bitch
i'm the wham bam thank you ma'am gotta get to my ass to the next gig can't stay too long chic
i partied with the best of them, gained hours but lost daylight and weight, and now i'm all done
but don't forget i can still drink and smoke like a champ your ass under the table shit
some want to control me, some want to behold me
because i'm a sucker for an old friend with a good look, or the gift of gab
at least i was
but what you may have forgotten is that i'm not into sticking around bullshit
no whiny clingy babies, or posturing needy ladies who think i want what they do, think as they do, should look, feel and live as they do, that just because i did that shit when i was young doesn't mean i haven't moved on or should move on with them in their worlds where i don't wanna belong because i don't wanna be alone. nope.
i can dine alone, drink alone, smoke alone, live alone, party alone
i do it all alone
and i've moved on from you needy ones
you are not children, not my children, stop acting like i want a piece of your recipe for madness just because i've let you get away with it for so many years. so many years wondering if and when you would change, grow up.
because years went by and i wasn't fierce, didn't say what i was thinking, didn't wanna hurt your feelings for fear of losing your friendship, but those days are going going gone girls.

judging is always part of the game.

with friends like these who needs enemies
so the saying goes
i'm not the stay at home and cook for my man girl
i'm not the barefoot and pregnant sit by the phone girl
i'm not the sheep, or a follow the crowd girl
i'm a believer in my own, a do-er, a fighter, a get out there and winner
and i reflect on the damage i have done in my time
i know i've been wrong and split some hairs in my mad frenzied need to get ahead of myself whirl
and i say sorry to you because i led you to believe i would never judge you
when in actuality i was weighing your good, your bad, your evil, in stacks in my room
pages of wealth i've dedicated to you
to tear apart and depict you all of you
in my need to be needed by you
by some entity larger than me

because i judge, indeed it's true, and my hypocrisy was my fear of reciprocity

judging is part of the game

one year ago

August 28, 2005

All residents of New Orleans are being requested to evacuate the city immediately. The storm has been increased to a category 5.

i feel you

i feel you staring at me
i know you are watching me
but for some reason i can't turn my head

some days i'm famous
i walk into the grocery store
and they are there watching me
aren't you she? indeed that is me

i feel you your pain
your life built by your mother
though she aged she left you didn't she
hanging without epiphany

my empty bare words linger in your ear
your anger shrill confusion still buzzing in mine

sometimes i am cold i don't know where it comes from
i am from the north and the south all at once and i pierce
your soul when i leave
penetrate your entity when you can no longer have me

i am strong brave but blank with nothing to give you

i get paid

the lady she cried yesterday
i feel you your pain
your children everyone scattered you say
went in many directions and you cry all alone
when you throw away things like chairs and tables and sofa
and i feel you your pain
but what i don't say is the opportunity to start anew
i sense freedom in your shoes

and so it goes day after day
and i don't take it home
don't talk about it much
where i sit cold
but sometimes i recognize the warmth

it has rewarded me

through the woods. find your food your good your footing

do we live
in vocation-ville
indeed to have a skill
on which to build
a life a living a craft a will

sometimes we spill our dreams
into one pill
and perform a disappearing act
when it falls ill
one thing won't do
versatility is the key to survival
the skilled man a thing of our past?

learn your rituals living in rural
take them to the big lake
where you are no longer the big fish
in a big pond
does it make you safe anxious awake
or is it all the same play on a different stage

you decide
for its your life
though your parents only want what is best for you
they know some but not all of you
they don't always know what is best for you
sometimes you must forge your own way
through the woods. find your food your good your footing
find the you that is best for the world in its place
where it is today
with you as the missing piece of some obscure puzzle

ready to be washed

hyperbole under this name
theres too many names on my chain

sitting like relaxing as you walk about your day me leaving you
leaving me leaving you leaving me
we've gotten good at this game

fix it you do under the hood lifting shirts of
oil and wood we smell the sweat that wafts through your garage
parade of unawareness in your body of animalistic shames
they would likely say
its such a disgrace this game of intimacy we play
as humans all of us in one big bag of laundry
ready to be washed

lose your turn

game over
unless you have a get out of jail free card

why do you call me ice queen?
when i giveth and you taketh
taketh away always

giveth something and its your move
i dare you to win the game
i dare to hear your voice
giveth something to make it last
forever

because its about to fade away
and its your move
so roll

bail, inhale, bail,
i outside
you out of jail
everyday
to make it go

when i am incarcerated in your world
i giveth myself and nothing left

so roll, if you dare
or pay the 50
otherwise lose your turn

and i win
game over

child of 5

my child of 5 wants her shower by 7
mommy don't wait until 11

she was there last night
expecting guidance but lost
waiting for mom to get it together

if mom doesn't do this i guess i will have to
god dammit
dear child of 5

no more diapers
why you've grown so tall
mommy i stopped wearing them when i was 1

travelling late at night
train by train we stop
she talks
directs
she's got no choice but to be the boss
crazy mommy i'm particular
my dear child of 5

so smart so cute
my friend

girl, i must be made of steel

the road has been long girl
lets rest now
shall we?
i mean, can we?
really?

girl, i know, sometimes we don't wanna
but it took so long to get here
so much hard work
so many sleepless nights
endless thinking
endless breathing

can we sit back and let them do the rest
let the work speak for itself
aloud

last year i should have cried
but i saved my tears
this year the tears have no fear
and have no place the emptiness has been replaced

by wind or by train the work was not for naught
it was who we are who we were who we wooed
how we lived by the night
the dark candle light dim bar shy boys wanting our girls oh girl
we could be a part of so many worlds
with your hair pinned back like a career girl so smart girl we can be so many things
tight skirt to your knees, we left so many on their knees
begging for just another piece

we've come so far girl
all these miles beneath these high heels
and i don't know how i keep going girl
i must be made of steel

for the road was long and rough and hard
and as i look into the distance
the continued movement of my cars
flight and movement
of my world
as dust sits in my bedroom

so many things we will do girl
so take this moment of stillness in your arms
and don't let it fool you

brainy world

the stuff on those pages makes the pit
big in my nerves in my stomach
pit, shallow breathing, sadness
of a time that i am glad to move past

i wish you the best
you once were my friend
still are somewhere in me within
but i won't try anymore
to force the issue
force my niceness my neediness upon you

needy has faded and left me with jade
forge ahead into the world of books and brains
libraries extensive tither
literary intellect the savior
of my soul

and i was lost so hard trying though it didn't quite fit right
and though it made me lose control and want to throw it to the wind

and i wasn't living right
in the awkard shaped fit it made forcefully tied in place
squirming unable to stand behind any words that are true to me
saying what i meant but unable to seal the bank
of truth in my honor

i say these words to no one
i am silent quiet but knowing
the days months long past are cold
thank god for this brainy world
-m.g.wilson

"take me in
no questions asked
the life i left behind me is a cold one"
-sarah mclaughlin

because you're almost full

so now i made a little note
a mental note
the scene is done
tired
old

my youth was fun
next stage welcome

work your heart out little girl
this job is kicking my ass

sometimes you have got to give it a last whirl
even if you don't feel it quite like before
because you're almost full
but if you take a break the hunger may return
so you think maybe

finish off that last piece
bite it until it's gone
forever
into the belly of your past

we had fun lil girls didn't we?
we had too much fun on many levels
but some left us empty
now that tank is full
of crap

half empty half full
more or less
it had meaning back then
so we thought
but doesn't quite seem to fit now

like a snake sheds its skin
or an onion
those words still ringing in my ears
for over a year

trying to let go
but always looking back
with a smile of sadness
turn around say my new friends
as they grab my hands
lets walk together into the forest
that is the future

marcy

so now i talk about myself
to marcy

we talk about
things like women
and love

smart girls earn it
pretty girls live it
desparate girls die alone

we all die alone i remind her
she reminds me its time to move on

in not so many words
taking a break she doesn't want to step on my toes
push her advice on me
yes, it's a technique i too know
all too well

and i appreciate it
subtlety
because i can read between the lines
sometimes too well and to my detriment
so i live my life perhaps in riddle
somewhere aware of the body
not so much the words
though that is what comes out
of me
most of the time
anyway

and those who cannot right now
interpret
take a hint
drink some gin and live in the abstract
are not in my venue

gradually exposing their dim ditz
just different
they say its honesty
i say
it's denial

wake up and smell the coffee that is brewing in your own kitchen
ladies
or else stupidity sweetheart may slap lips somewhere between
ass and feeling good just in the moment

un unicorn

are you un unicorn
stand out in the crowd
do they tease you beat you taunt you
make you feel ugly when you win
hands down

sometimes do you falter
lose the tough in you lose
the fight within you
when they've torn you down
so far down your beauty sagging
to the ground

many days under a blanket a haze of bewilderment
and confusion waiting for the clearing
forgetting that your horn can guide
your horn shall lead the way
has lead the way of strength in times of fury
and furious furious furrow

brows brown unborough

it's a strange time of change and loss and pain
change and loss and change and gain
but no big dreams like heaven await like
a dream you had in a heaven too late

but to be fair you refuse to grow trying to hang on to
a default horn like pegasus or uniball
sometimes does good and people want your beauty
but in your haven unwanted haven of nothing worth giving
only what you have taken
no missed opportunities in your wake

growing pains for a weak unicorn means tears in your exterior
but the skin grown back for double dowble after midnight you will awake
and walk untiil dawn breaks

for two days

spent the last few days with old friends
dinner with wine
sunning in venice beach
pampering ourselves at the spa
ida-ho wanted hollywood and water
having a swim and a lunch poolside at a table next to
Angelina Jolie

for two days
i forgot about my life
and some of my friends
some of these so called friends in my world
but they're more like associates

people i am to know by obligation
to know me back
call me
lets have dinner
go see an old friend
how 'bout a drink?
i've either known

sometimes i know i need to move
this town breeds shallow

and i see where we've been used
for our resources for someone else's gain
whether it be monetary or fame

this town breeds snakes
charming on the surface
but waiting to take your shirt off your back
and never planning to return it
unless you ask
you have to ask

for two days
i forgot about these women
slapping stabbing snaking grabbing
talk talk talk about themselves
pumping themselves up or not
because they're sneaky

i should go with my first instinct
it's never too late
to learn from our mistakes
how we can just erase them from our plate
our existence

i need to break away

it's true

i know she didn't call me crying about the state of her life
after she tried to tell me about mine

i know she didn't call me begging to go
somewhere she before would refuse
before

the irony, the hypocrisy of life

i never say i'm better
never say i'm right
always try to listen
then often lose insight

of my core, stability and strength
sacrificed
for your acceptance
into some world
dumbass

the irony, the hypocrisy of life

i loved you wanted you needed you
i was turned away
only let in because i fulfilled something in you

and lets be true
we shared the color blue
so you and me
we both got something new

the irony, the hypocrisy of life

i'm sad, and scared now
but I won't go backwards
can't let you back
not like before

because i know now, what i saw then
but refused to believe
it's true

at the end of the day

wow she says with such conviction
i'm really mourning the death of my friends

not some fancy of the years gone by
or a taste of a flavor gone stale
but an image of a life with people you once knew

someone who can shake your tale, a story, no fairy

i'm not going banish you from my country
nor hide from you at the state capitol

i just never expected people to change
or perhaps stay the same and expect you to
listen

to what they still think of you
your explanations have gone dry
like a white wine or vodka collins
you'll never drink
just sitting there

waiting for you to blow
waiting for you to blow

wow she says, these lessons we learn
she's been expecting you
to cower
funny how that is

but still keep them around
still leave them in waiting
for everyone has their life to live
and at the end of the day
no one is thinking about you

except how you can benefit them
fit into their portrait
never reeling behind their words
like you do
so let it go

at the end of the day
they're just words anyway

my sister's killers

the remains are being destroyed
the bodies will be ready for inspection

mexico city, seattle, scottsdale Arizona
why one and not the other

who will attend
the senator wishes to be placed in suspended animation
in death
freeze him
stipulated in his will
release it to his son for that purpose

minor disputes of our fathers remains
unless indeed he gets brought back to life

please help find the sisters killers
please help me find my sister the killer

crystal clear

please accept our condolences
something has died
someone is death

crypt, an hour ago he was cremated
nothing like a 2000 degree fire to destroy evidence

use my special gift, to good use,
cops think i'm a psychic and now we investigate this kidnapping

do you want to bury a cow?

in red, blue some green too

this lingers like a flower
just trying to nourish
forget what i loved

won't it let me be
i need to exist in the
empty

sex slaves and doll trade
i would win
it was me
i don't remember so clearly
blurry images of legs and furry places
in red, blue some green too

in jail we were kept
like prisoners
but we knew
it was good
to you
so good to me and you

in a room in the house we together outgrew
or just me suffocated by your frenzy
thwarted retarded unrecognizable
to the naked eye

unless someone else knew
lost and confused
engine blowing a fuse

here in a sad state of sorrow
of fear and disgust
mirror image and lust

in a room in the house we together outgrew
or just me suffocated by your frenzy
thwarted retarded unrecognizable
to the naked eye

you ask why i'm so angry
does it show
living a life about someone else
making little
in the shadows in the shadows
creeping around looking for just a little light
and when it would shine
frowns and laughter
jealousy and envy
petty

in a room in the house we together outgrew
or just me suffocated by your frenzy
thwarted retarded unrecognizable
to the naked eye

waste of time a waste of space
playing to win someone else's race

insult me once, i wince with a sign
insult me twice,
a third time
anger in memory will follow forever

envy and forgiveness are not in my dowry

cities in wait

making up the mind
the hardest decisions
bring about the most pain
and the most joy

and advancement
of life
your own visions in mind
which city is it going to be
surrounded by buildings only
lights and gotham
comfort in chaos
this city's in wait
these cities in wait
with people and beings living

turn the tv off
middle america
obesity and fast food
reality show and fame
obsessions bred by comfort and space
no visions raise your pimpled-face
disgrace

work and sleep coupled by design and beauty
what is it going to be space or city
just turn off the tv
what do you see
concrete
or cookie-cutter bliss

inaction

will it rain will it rain will it rain
you sit and wonder
on your parade
on your day

will she go crazy, or act insane
or will she maintain

not like she used to
but like she always has been
will continue to be
forever

when will it rain
how long will we have to sit and wait
ten twenty years

this life long drought we live in
believe in
ironicity
ironic city

anger and fear
causes wells to dry up
issues that arise in your water cooler
refusing to function properly
as though someone stuck a thorn
or a prick of some sort
into your hole
discomfort
inaction

will you maintain
outlive this pain
be resistant to change

will you sit at your desk and draw
on your carpet
as though you were a seven-year old child again
wishing
dreaming
that the dreams were true another reality were given to you
what do you want to do

live in a big city
work and accomplish
stylistic action
bread and friends

live in a city thats been good to you
work and accomplish
style-wise resuscitation
mis-representation

what leads to inaction
is in your mind

a happiness still shines through

although i have to be quiet in the mid morning dawn
dew drops haven't fallen so soon

a light shines in my heart anew
somethings so long forgotten entere again

i know i was wrong before confused
written words that hurt plans unused

and i'm headstrong and driven and crazy things
when you slower slow slow down way down
still want this energy around

different speeds in life
but still feed each other things like dim-sum and egg-drop
mad like hell for the recognition or some performance
you didn't want to hear
perhaps
but when that door finally closed, and i let it slam behind me, still angry
willing to refuse to follow you, pester you

some things you have to let go
sometimes they come back to you, it's true
going forward is all you can ever do

and there are so few beings in this sphere
that understand me like you do
it was really painful in what is done at you
because who tries to compete, say they're better than you

but jealousy and control, people are not possessions
to be bought or kept in a box
individual entities with a path all their own
mind of thier own
separation always unsues

but if you keep it within you
know that peace is a part of you
and will always be with you
and that you always have the right to choose
a happiness still shines through

what do you share with this end?

there is frigid air amidst our fingers
rotten blue fret with tears

but still i let you in
once in a while
once in a blue moon

and there is too much to do now
and time passes
your wings sometimes like angels
i'm lucky to have you

but tread carefully i say
put it in the right category i say

there are friends who share lunch, a conversation so light
friends who share tea, like shopping on a mid-summer day
friends who get drunk, sometimes you join them in laughter so silly
friends who share an inner sense of style, a museum nightlife
friends who have passion
so much so
they endanger your soul

with a fire for a fashion that will pass in the night
boys who never become men
like dragons in the night

what sometimes you wonder do you share with this end
what exactly do you share with this end?

is it dinner for two
a party at night?
lunch in the sun
a double-date?

we'll figure it soon, out in the open
don't let go of the hesitancy in your eyes

conversations with sydney

whats the new name going to be sydney
conversations and chronicles with a new person
but the same identity or is it changed now?

selling yourself short
realization is not open for discussion
people who feed at the bar
on your empty keys
hollow soul
when you are really so much more like a tree
silent and strong

oh tree oh tree
what is in your name, and who are you sydney
like a trunk or branch
of your leaves, falling at my feet green with envy

because i don't have much and i don't want more
don't need to be encapsulated by these wretched souls
ok, more like empty, crying in, begging me to be with like blank

i talked about you today, to sydney. she is me
or like me, i should say. we
talking amongst ourselves to ourselves
self help me psychology. sydney doesn't know you
or rather you don't get to know her, and i doubt she will be lain
at your door step, waiting for you, letting you in
anytime soon
nor
not ever again
and as one said to her one day, i'll see you when i see you attitude
is even too much time for me so let's just leave it at we''ll see
if i ever have the need. that is if you will have me

because you know, what you do, and i know you will need. but that doesn't mean you will still agree.

after all this anyway

i fell off the tracks again, how did i get so far off
the destined path, and strength of these weeks past

just a few words, a night of sound, loud ringing in my ears
tears never came, but I sat there in the pit

i'm turning it off now for sure. there is hope but type-a
blood is not in me. it could if i lose sleep

and i do anyway all night tossing and turning
what do i care about what you think
after all this anyway

we shared in its honesty is good and its not like i'm cut from this cloth
silently go forward closing this book its long finished chapters overdue
in a library without a view

the silence says more than words ever did. i have always said that to you
and i know you know he knows we all know whats really going on here

the weak one. the one who lacks self respect and dignity
is the last one standing with a smile
but tears somewhere behind lost in the embers of the spirit

there is no fight, nothing left to say, we all know what must happen
and how we then must find a way

the bolshoi dances like a mid summer swan, and lets her skirt flow
ballerina in the air, your dance of your dream somewhere smoked in your hair

and i hold down the keys of some song silhouette, dreaming of these teams
we always felt we deserved and could get, we worked at

but things fall apart and change never fails. it's time for me to collect
and build a world left on hold

circles

moving in circles
the ones that encapsulate
feathers that breed

i'm tired of the themes
in this life
can't figure out ways to make it better

i circulate within
ideas only in my mind
change the outer feel
to help the inner
being

but the inner wants out
when it knows i won't leave
or perhaps i will move

i had it for a day
perhaps even a week
and before that a few

and now it seems gone
lost
sold its soul to an abyss

i create these circles
inside
with an iron fist
that i can't even create
no force

i know i will stay to finish
what's started
but what is not even there
doesn't even have a chance
to exist

style

i was inspired by her hair
day two
so much like something
i used to do
or did
before

no fancy no foder
on her face

but still caring, daring
in a public place

sometimes i feel like its such a waste
for a rainy day or a sad face
with no style

but like one said
it's a state of mind
even when your naked
asleep

when you wash your clothes
lay around
you never know
what will abound of course
where you may have to go

tomboy lipstick who cares
fashion is not just for girls
not a feminist de-construct

do you lose it sometimes
and years go by
it will still be mine
simple but mine
different versions of the same

still sometimes a little nudge
a new face that reflects back

not like those following trends
or try to wear what is only in
this stuff is way beyond them

sometimes what you like is in
easily found
other times you wish you had a sewing machine

what you should know

saying a lot of stuff
about we this
and we that

remember
the poetry is within me
like the songs that haven't been written

sure i play guitar
sometimes i ride along
i will

but more so happy to have found this voice
again

and i won't be tricked into giving
100% more than i can give
guilted into living
a life i cannot live

and i won't be sharing information
with each and every one
giving ammunition
on how my life is run

like friends who manipulate and cheat
live in a cloud of denial
and deceit

i mean as long as you are honest
with yourself
and who am i to judge?

but it does spill over you probably don't see
how your lies, and judgement affect me

your insecurity drowns out the voice
of mine, and everyone's
though somewhere underneath i know you can hear

but i am afraid it will be too late my friend
and i have no more time to waste
coddling your confused and petty face
wishing you had friends that followed you
as though life were a race
for money
or fame
or beauty

they never will, you know
everyone has got thier own
you know
battles to win
ghosts to chase
aspirations and reasons
for living different than yours

invested maybe not
but history is a joke
it bears no witness for what is to come
there's something you should know

your expectations will fall flat
so rely on what's in you
you will only get to keep what's yours
what's inside your soul

stop looking for guarantees
on a life worth living

i've never had a dream
when reality was present

liberation and lonely

expel all the exterior repression
and break free. liberation and lonely go hand in hand. it always seems.
but can you pull your head out higher up to see. you are better off without the ones
you remember. draggin you down. to the ground. like that forgotten clown.
you said it yourself. you wanted this you've felt, so many times in the past
home is where the heart is. and you've got a good one.
people want to own you claim you use you for their own needs, and you accept
is being lonely really so bad that it drives people to do the crazy be the crazy
allow the crazy
in
smart girls, proud girls, lonely girls all waiting to be taken in
in this country where more is better
and everyone in this city is expecting gold
to take them to heaven, any second now, it's going to happen, i can feel it
so you tried to call yesterday, and she never did call, is it a game people play to win
and why does it hurt when you do it too, when it only serves as a reminder to you
to break free of this, expel the exterior repression
liberation is in your hand
and lonely is in your mind

further

talk is cheap
these words drown desire
and hold me down

it is something you want to hear
specific
wanting to hear
your own voice
idealisms like yours
narcissism

for years i supplied
willingly along
agreed
what you wanted to hear
needed
to go ahead

i too
believed those words i said
true
wanted to believe in you

somewhere along
the words lost meaning
maturity ensued
the lights came on
ideals renewed
rediscovered

and i woke up
lost
alone
living a life of someone
unknown

see those words
won't work anymore
or for me now
and perhaps never did
fell off before i even met you
and i have to be true

afraid these new words
can't stand up
don't fit in
perhaps time is now
un-do, and re-do

as my thoughts flew
and out of your control
i flew

along today
i go on my own
still

further and further away
from anyone's control

we fed each other
i fed you, you fed me too
for too many years

there is a neediness in you
that i can no longer fulfill

history

1977-1988 Extensive training in classical piano (Composers studied include: Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Haydn)
1981-1983 Played clarinet in school band (Walnut Acres Elementary)
1982-1988 Jazz Dance, Classical Indian Dance
1986- Start writing poetry
1993- Got first guitar (acoustic) and began self teaching
1995- Got first electric guitar (Fender Strat) and Crate practice amp
1995-1998 Lots of song writing temporary posts in bands: Jah Rebel, Jen's Holding (bought 2 Korg keyboards)
1999-2001 Writer for SFGirl.com (Online Column)
2000-2001 DJ on Luxuriamusic.Com
2001-2006 Poems published in International Poets Society
2001-2006 Guitarist in Ze Auto Parts

save your pajamas for another year

the days of long pants and boots are over
as the sun shines on the west
desert heat blows in from the east
what the sun will see

now in skirts and cut up tees
the girls dawn their summer wear
the boys in tanks in hummer v's
los angeles will be

i desire to sew up skirts
to cut off hair
the dark makeup around the eyes
indian style
night

no more
caught up in another decade
somehow doesn't fit anymore
though some may try
actually pull it off

day is here
save your pajamas for another year

halfway dressed

sleep comes over
and creates a lull

lazy bones i wanna fall
too many hours until the morning
awake early in the morning
homeward bound
stuck in reverse

i wanna get out get started
but i can't get motivated
undecided

still is too early
i should be in bed
but i couldn't

had to think
too many things

now already started
halfway dressed
gotta get out there and
move my muscles

make him some coffee
i'm just like my mother
but motherhood is not my career
and i'm still a child
immature
suckling

take charge
live in confidence
not out of obligation
or fear of regret

no one else has to live your life
no one else has to live this life
no else else has to live my life
in my shoes
in my head
so do what you please
do what you will
and let the others live for regret

the phone ring

today and
several times a day
an invite here
an invite tonight
the hot place to be
a sister
a birthday

gotta wash the hair
the car
work late
the laundry
how many excuses can there be
till the calls stop
one day

neediness has finally escaped
hollowness has been replaced
comfort in the own skin
alone
the only fear
is that it will someday
re-enter and reposess

and the crave of dolls that now enslave
the nightlife the parties
the phone ring

but today see the flee
far away
leave this life
and its frivolity, friends and flimsy
far behind

a new city
a new look
a new outlook

with books and sound
and passion old re-new

she's gone so far away
they say
never to come back
never did she want to stay
she hated it
they say
she hated who she beccame
they say
some if true
i say
but the truth is always gray

strong today
in knowing that their presence
somehwat annoying
somewhat a blessing
outgrown

grow old alone

fashion can save your life

fashion can save your life
spending time on style
not money
safety in clothes
you love
be brave little one
you will live

the powerless child

sitting here semi nervous
when will the animal awake

so many things you told me
reminded me
we're all living so wrong

but what capacity
do women and men ever get along?
you wanna know what is missing?

something is always missing i said
but i pretend thats good enough

i'm sitting here in tip toe
when will the children awake
the powerless mother
the powerless child

yet we talk with others in mind
as if theirs is worse than mine

are you kidding me?
one verbal slap is all needed to retreat
away from those who
angry depressed confused within
try to stand thier conflicted soul
in front
blocking
attempts to brainwash
drop their baggage at your feet
i barely know you
who are you?
why do you think you know so much about anything?

how can you walk the path that steers clear

i'm in a difficult place
i hear the springs move
but no inhaling
love is gray

i jump from thought to thought
but persons who are injust
all filling the same anger
in my heart

because it is all about control
of the mind
everyone has an idea
of how it should be done

mean people don't have a room in my home

destination within

"how you gonna win, if you ain't right within?"
-Lauryn Hill


on the road again
about to get on the plane again
this is how i like it

no desire to down the bottle
just hang out with an old friend

filling up the well
inspiration is mind
inspiration in mine

and it's time to let it in
to let it all the way in
not let the powers retard me
the thoughts provoke me
that say sit still
don't move
trick thy self
you should be happy
when your fingers don't move

it's that time again
let the flying begin
5 hours here
4 hours tomorrow
destination within

-motor wilson

cheering teen america

i walk this trail
a path from my past
past the old park
near your old house

i walk this old path
now i walk fast
with my hat
pulled down like a mask

i hide from suburbia
big and sunburnt burbia
tv dinner reality show mania
running past swimming pools
shaded peaceful areas
cheering teen america

blonde beauty i was never
ethnic beauty so unwanted
scary to the masses

i think now, its ok where i am
glad its not where i was
with you then
stuck in homogenous
ville

you were stronger, you were ok
i was not
i wanted more

you showed them
to my amazement
you showed me
to my face

and still i know
somewhere deep down
that fabulousity was mine first

always was me, not you
despite the road you took
despite my gut
my lack of will
your perseverence

for somehow you figured it out
while i was still gloating

and my coming may be late
but i believe it will be there
and it will be bright

if only i were able to go to new york