About the weather......

My dad named me Moushumi Ghose when I was 4 months old. They, meaning my mom and dad, changed it from an ugly American name they had given me to this, something more traditional. Bengali. India. Monsoon, is the translation, sorta. it's basically about the weather. They named my little sister Rimi. the sound of rain. there is something about the sound of rain. I love rain. and clouds, fog and misty weather. We represent it I guess. in our own Ghose sister ways.

I got the name Motor Wilson when I started the band Ze Auto Parts. Five years ago. Time flies. I hate time. It has a way of escaping, of being invisible and arbitrary and empty. it breeds nothingness.

I started playing the guitar in college. I was classically trained in piano for many years, so i thought it was a natural progression. It's amazing how something you learn when you are young sticks with you so easily, but something you learn as an adult wants to fade.

My father tried to learn the piano alongside me. he took lessons, too. my mom would tease him. he eventually stopped. lack of support, time, kids to raise, a demanding career? I shudder to think. the thought that my mother who forced me to practice piano everyday has intolerance for it in her husband. i hope i am wrong. i hope i remember incorrectly. i hope that is not why he stopped. i wish he hadn't stopped. because now the piano just sits there in their living room, mostly catching dust, waiting for me to stop by and play a few notes, maybe a song or two, and someday buy a big house, a home big enough to house our piano, mine and my dad's. he is a piano player in his heart. in my heart. i wish he would play.

My little sister Rimi barely ever played the piano. But she plays guitar now too. She says she's getting good at it. I bought her a bass guitar 3 years ago. Gave her my old little practice amp. I encourage to write lyrics to her songs. She says she comes up with lots of riffs. She likes it a lot. I encourage it.

i am a writer. I can't help it. My mom says I get it from my dad. My dad writes in Bengali. I can't really read it. My dad also wrote a computer program translating the Bengali language to the English computer keyboard. I am a lover of the written word. i can't help it. but I don't write nor speak in Bengali on a regular basis at all for sure. my dad is a hard working genius.

i do love the piano. the 88 heavy wooden keys, the deep resonating mahoganey sounds, so full, so rich, so real compared to the miniature keyboards that are so popular. i do love the piano. on rainy days i would sit and play the piano. one key at a time. one song at a time. one day i would write songs at the piano. if only i had one. in minor keys. until then i have my guitar. and my stage name motor wilson. which is fine just fine for now. i suppose. but not much else, and not quite the same.

venturing out on my own...(co-dependence breeds on this ground)

it's scary, but i know it is time
to delve deep into the core and do what i know i must
for many years somehow avoided

when i started this band it is all i wanted
and i will be happy with this band, because it is still
all i ever want

but in a band with so many variables
we keep talkng about the many variables
all we ever talk about is how many variables
that drill in the reality
of reliance
and lack of independence
co-dependence that breeds on this ground

we are dependant on others
I am dependant on you

on the whim or fancy of them
one day they want off the ride and it falls apart
everyones lives effectively affected
like wheels on the auto

like spokes of a tire
like the legs of a table, a chair, a family
we are a band and by virtue we cannot exist alone
co-dependence breeds on this ground
co-dependence lives here

in the lives musicians, for we must coexist to create anything real

like a beating we must keep on taking

for artists breathe and live together
as a world we depend on each other

it's a sad day for me
it's dooms day for me
i realize i must move
this path i must forge
a fork

do you realize how hard it is to break and repair break repair break repair in order to create
do you realize how sick it makes some feel
to think of this as just another business deal
but i will but i will
when there are those who need more to breed more
art and creation
i suffer at their beck and call

like a beating we must keep on taking
co-dependence breeds on this ground
co-dependence lives here

not if i am strong
not if i have will
not if i forge ahead
not if i work hard
not if i truly follow my heart


-motor wilson

Disorders or just Societal Labels?

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD or ADD) is a diagnosis in the DSM 4 (book of mental disorders), but the diagnosis is a joke, just as many of the disorders in there. It should be called SOCIETAL disorders or LABELS for natural occurrences, because all the disorders in that book are societal, made for a society that likes to pop pills to solve problems .... The main characteristic of ADHD is being easily distracted. It causes one to pay attention to everything, and the inability to shut out the various stimuli that is in one's periphery. It's like a confusion. A constant feel like there is too much to do, and too little time, and get anxious and then especially confused and unfocused. A tendency to jump from one thing to the next, one idea to the next, and then never complete anything. Other symptoms that accompany it is the unbearable anxiety with nausea, heart-palpitations, and ultimately fear. Also, people who suffer from ADHD may also have depression, when there is a lack of stimuli. In this country especially, we are bombarded with so many different images in the media that attempt to control our thinking, and with so much god damn stimuli, is there anyone in this country that is not ADHD? If so, I praise you.

in my work, I often have to treat ADHD. Not with pills. But through education and counseling.

I think, YOU HAVE TO HAVE FOCUS. You really do have to pick one thing. Pick your own poison, find your passion. Pick your battles. Pick your own pieces apart from all the others. it's not about a disorder. It's about self-discipline. Know what you love to do. it's also about knowing yourself. Goals are good, they help to maintain focus, and are something to keep you on track.

ADHD would be trying to do all of it, knowing that it is impossible. Overcoming our societal ADHD is really about being realistic. Focus on one thing. Make sure that you love it.

"If time is my vessel, then learning to love might be my way back to sea." -Interpol

Train Tracks....

my mind plays tricks on me
a haunting that is forever with me
no cure no drugs to ease the pain
not rather an escape from reality

so not today. i beg not today
stop taunting me this way
stop scaring me i say

the dulling pain in the pit
of an entity within me
it scrapes me
pinches me
punches me
seething

so not today. i beg not today
stop taunting me this way
stop scaring me i say

i wish it would let me go

for who the frosty bell tolls......

read on new friend, and listen to my things. share our furies, enjoy our youth. i will not be happy here. you will endure loss and I will not know. years gone by, the pain deep in your bones, left you cold and dry. remember who i was. camoflauge girl and spider pen. still that way. still the same.

you moved on away as well and suffered a great deal my dear. i abandoned you i abandoned many. so they say. people want to keep you around for their personal needs. i had a different path to follow. I was young then. i still am on that path. but now i try not to walk away so fast. just know i will be unphased. by the hurdles that are placed.

Skin n bones

sometimes i hate being in a band. especially in Los Angeles, the supposed City of Angels, i've probably had a long day and can barely talk. the words come out slurred like i'm drunk again, but i'm not.

sometimes i'm in another country. this rock and roll world is a land that some of my friends cannot visit for some strange reason. at some point in our lives we realize we have different friends that serve different roles, but only a few truly good friends. if even that.

but this weekend i couldn't go to a show. of a fellow musician, that i know from the LA music scene. one thing i wanna say is that you should not expect your friends, your aquaintances nor your colleagues to be your fans. i want my friends to see me perform once. i don't expect them to keep coming back.

'Try not to name the feeling' -Krishnamurti

it's day one of this blog. i am going to try it out for a few weeks. I haven't been writing in a long time.


i crave solitude on a regular basis.

Earthy

Earthy

I am in a rock band. Ze Auto Parts. It's been a crazy journey so far, and the band has gone through a lot of break-ups, make-ups, make-outs and break-ins and it still makes me happy because I love to create. I think it's very important what we do. Though most of the times its sweaty and dirty and tiring and not very glamourous. But, because women traditionally don't play guitar, play in rock bands, go on the road, and the more girls that do it the greater the change. And music. People don't realize how easy it is to play an instrument, yet so many people choose not to do something that can empower, and enrich their lives. Music is that source for me and I truly feel lucky to be blessed with this power to create it. And that I created the power.