writing working industry

the rapist by day trying to get it going
many years in preparation for a
brainy career

art tist by night in my room
smoking away
writing for days
poetry words and letter
to myself about god knows who
for the universe

guitar and pen
tools like friend
no time for a social life
or many of those ends

planning to contact these people again
but just to say hi
keep the lines open

but really doing other things not crazy to be

easier said than done

no obligation in the things we do
you'd rather die than fraternize
tonight
sell out, stuffy pants, ultra hip family clan
pretention and format, the token fill-in-the-blank
california liberal right winged city folk
artsy and pretending to be free
it's not in you but at least you've got the right idea

and i falter way too much
and forget and start to do things
out of blind obligation
and assumption

wanting them oblivious to their slight offering
giving way too much
and getting little in return

it's kind of become my way

but you remind me there's better things for me
and i should stand proud and believe
in the things that are within me
such things i do weakly continuously
deep down knowing it's in me
and that you are right

live honestly and peacfully
truthfully and give to those when
it fulfills
stop caring about what others think
easier often said than done

and appreciate everything else in me
it's a process
i thank you for helping me

cause i'm a lost soul ready to be freed

i get my glory in these restless days

the lights all are off
windows wide open
the winter air crisp and clean
wafting onto my legs

i need to study for this life
i need to make room for more knowledge
i need to dispell this love onto a more
static carnage

snores drift through the open space
i dare wake this sacred grace
i hit my coffee with my eager face
i get my glory in these restless days

the response of an old love
a teenage romance fling
of which an admirer of mine perhaps
but never gave me the time of day

i'm always far removed
like i belong on another planet
i wanted to be with you
but fear replaced me near

and friends in the late hour
stop by while i'm in my robe
smoking myself to death
eating cheese & wine by breath

talking of their pains
comfort in the shame we do
all of us together
even in the dead of night

i'm going to leave the house today
i'm going to make an effort today
the darkness of the days to come
settle in my bones

the victorian castle we call home

nerves today
nervous like a buttercup floating away

not sure why or whats to become
unsure of how to undo whats been done

figuring i can only rest assured
that the light will guide my way home

in the middle of the night
after i've followed all you night owls home
expecting warmth and love
only to wake up cold at your blue tv's feet
tired and defeat

stumbling home the walk of shame
as i give the old lady my last dime
the last nickel to my name

go home to my castle
where the shades are drawn
and sit down at my long table
and eat toast by my fireplace
cold dark hallways leading to empty rooms
with ghosts and nervous wakenings
happening under chandeliers shaking
the california faults breaking
the victorian castle i call home

windows shatter at sound of voices
that no longer matter

the refrigerator humming stops
the blood from the bowels of my goblet drop
the velvet rope on my robe knot
frazzled mess of a hair mop
wake up from this nightmare fraught with screams

run up the winding stairs to the white wind
i call my room
freezing breeze of dead leaves flow

solitude of my words caught
in a aching fire somewhere in my brain
i can't help but imagine where i should be
but in this victorian castle we call home

teaching wisdoms inner pull

swivel swirls and ergonomic uber
words that suppose work and wonder
how do you get to climb the corporate ladder
in your short dress and 4 hour cocktail lunches
chanel hair clip and prada sandals
when you don't have a work-a-holic bone to speak of?

ok, perhaps somewhere you've snuck by
shortcut queen calling yourself some sort of martyr
strait-a-student or world traveler
with so little integrity to speak of

make it rich make it rich the motto of today
so proud of yourself
and he follows you as the goddess, a puppy with no home

while i travel through streets of poverty, guns and warfare
wondering how i can convince her to stay in school
stay off drugs and gangs
and out of motherhood
wretched, strangling, all encompassing motherhood
the fear of becoming the pitied overwhelmed sad mother
age 16
my livelihood

and art and creation, independent film study for 15 years
playing music and drawing, cutting out pictures from magazines
with 10 year olds and sticking them on with glue
liberal arts and advocacy and humanitarian integrity
teaching wisdoms inner pull
make it rich a fleeting wish

he once did follow me
i shut my door on him
more than once

because i am the biggest judge of them all
expecting honor and righteous ness
and color and wisdom
to garden my life

arrogant and conceited
full of ideals and abstract rules

show me your wisdom
or i can't fathom our friendship
for too long

Evil
I may appear
BUT like confuscious was
who unlike jesus felt that arrogance
was necessary to fight the fools-a-plenty
accepting one and all like jesus
is not our way

for how can you be any good
when people are raping and pilaging you?

a feeble mess

why because i dream
midnight mid-stream
and i age a little every day
recognize i can only do for myself
now what i did with you
for you

all those years
because at first it was so fun
and i was ready i was young
but in time you took control
took advantage took hold
and i followed gave in
gave what you needed to feed you
kept you going strong, partially for me
when indeed i was right
you said it yourself
you couldn't do it on your own

but you took it as a message to rely
to expect such things
knowing i'd pull you along
expectinging i'd beg you plead with you
needing me to pull you out of your bouts floundering misery
well, thats not my style
maybe i gave you that impression
my sometimes fear my neediness inability to do it alone
when i was always there ready and willing
wanting you to drive me too
believing in togetherness we do
not knowing we'd move mountains
the power of two
but in the end i knew
i wasn't in this for you you you
there had to be something for me

and damn i've paid my dues with you
money, time, me always going to you
in your space, doing it your way, your pace
waiting for you, running for you
being sharp on my toes always for you
and now that hard work will be spent on me
only me
because you took it away from me

you still try and
i don't blame you
for i've blugeouned you
allowed to fester what was natural for you

but you still in the few minutes i give you
or try to take
manage to steal control pilfer onto you
reminding that your judging
expecting it to shift my views
reverse the direction i will go
god, you must think i'm weak
or hope

it wasn't weakness that you experienced with me my friend
it was determination and compromise
for the good and the better of much bigger things

and you must think i don't judge
your sickly ways
so unattractive
i have no desire to be near anymore

and you try to control
with what little control you have of your life
mine

god, it's so manipulative
but i know you only want what is best for you
trying to find it in a crazy scary world
and it's sad to see you a feeble mess
lost and confused
but geez you have no clue

and one day i hope you will see
the world will not wait for you

supporters don't lead

in my dream last night
the 3 came to me
angry as can be annoyed
at this beauracracy
then one asks me about mine
something i wrote

wake up this morning to reality
how one is removed
and i who has tired of retribution

grab it and run own up and take charge
it was yours
we were supporters
and now we will run and take charge of what is ours
instead filling your days with drinks and late hours
is there anything solid
mingling with fellow ex-cohorts
as though their aquaintance can replace the hard work

or perhaps still looking for that someone who will
coddle you hold your hand and join your debauchary
consumed art
i hope that prince comes for you

things are not as they appear

in meditation today
something about the 10/17 and the 10:17
and the 17 hours
not really sure what it means

some sort of release realize who your being
your being something real
it's all too beautiful to conceive
this spirtual revealing

but for 17 hours today till the clock
strikes 1:17am look into your soul
and be

is this what happens today
is this what it means
lots of endings and some beginnings
for me

i hurt many today in a simple this is life sort of way
letting them know, that i'm leaving in a few days
the last long several years stuck in the same space
3 years is my cap. i am realizing my dear
up to 3 years, till i hit the ceiling
i will put up with what i believe to be necessary
for my resume or checklist
for these notches on my belt, my nightstand, my head rest
and pounce on the next unsuspecting suspect
but i'm so loving, to your bewilderment
you can't help but grab on for fear of what will replace me
when i'm gone

it's natural
it's part of life
this loss

and i hurt people with my honesty, my subtle words that come out
cuz i can't keep it in, and i reap the percussions of hurdling at your soul
your eyes disillusioned, because i wasn't honest before
or perhaps i didn't disclose
thus, I led you to believe that things were 100% good
or the way they seemed
and you get off the phone so abruptly

caution in your voice
fear and sadness
and anger
for me so innocent and sweet
throwing a thorn threw your satchel
in the middle of your day when you've got a million other things on your mind
and you notice i've called, or expectingly wait, my laughter on the other end, life
only to hear
things are not as they appear
and the end is all too near

or visible not what you thought you knew
and tonight you have to reshape your world
resolve your old views
because you think too much about other people
and what they should be, and how they should do
when in reality its all your image and ideal

that no one else can
ever live up to
it's all on you
in your head
you

tonight you will rework in your dreams
and find someone new to grab on to

this is not a 9 to 5 job

specific worlds we need to target
want to start a business

who's got the looks who's got the brains
who wants to make lots of money
advertised in our face

smooth and easy i wanna flow
creation in nature whats natural

when you start to take charge of your own destiny
strange things begin to happen
like peace and quiet and inner solitude
restful nights and self gratitude

no one to give us deadlines anymore
this is not a 9 to 5 job
this is our livelihood

and it's amazing how smooth the words flow
out onto ether strums of your guitar
although its hard work
it becomes much easier when there is no message
of stress of pressure of mess

and you've chosen this world of self gratitude and hard work
away from the liberal town of freedom
and rest
and halt
though you get to keep moving
and see the fruits
remember who gets to feel the efforts of your labor
in the end they need it more

these rules can't confine me

people are afraid
homophobic and in the closet
still after all the years of educating
i have returned to this place
of ignorance and mighty mighty jesus
lord is king bible belt bliss

she is still afraid
hiding in her closet
behind words that represent
heteroism but in the form of suggestion
i'm not that way must be where she was raised
some corn field middle of america

but she's been in LA for 10 years, i scream
at the top of my best party dress with lipstick
smeared on my white pleather belt thick chains
meant to represent that i despse development
i'm anti-system, even still at this age

wondering, how can i get them to change their views
but haven't they given in
gone to Target and Starbucks, all in one day
it's cheaper that way to support the masses
when the middle class is as broke as ever
and the farms are no longer a commune of freedom
where can we go?

excited and sad hiding out in the dark
your silence still equals death
20 years running

and i've been open and out for 18 years now
letting people know
their rules can't confine me

to my family's dismay
it's not fair to be this alone
but it's brave
'cuz people are afraid

whats the point in hiding anymore

open book, lay your pages open
your heart be read

whats the point in hiding anymore
when you've got to be you
for you
at any cost

let the anger be within them
let them learn
they must accept you

these are the words that i preach
that i speak
that i believe
so true liberate your soul

surrender your honesty and let your life roll
down the path it needs to go
on its own
stop guiding it trying to control
it will find its way

as I pack my bags

a faucet is dripping water
meditate
things are changing too fast
but not fast enough

as i pack my bags
thinking about this long journey ahead of me
a new country
a new world

i still feel the illness inside me
trying to find ways to pester me
as it slowly exits my body

and i keep you in mind
people who need guidance
in my dreams you visit
as a reminder
to forgive you
for one day the light will guide you too

as i pack my bags
to leave this country
no big goodbyes
for i will most surely be back
if not in this life
in some form
to the place that was once a home
a semblance of a home
for home is within us
inside us

for so long

for a god damn reason child

i leave so fast but long
for these things called past
but when the time comes
feels so easy to just throw it all away
out the window

and run run run so far away
always remembering the way it was
begging myself to go back
but knowing i have come too far
for a god damn reason child

too late to go back
and you didn't want it anyway
and the others didn't want me to want it
either
anyway

sad when i left but brought me down
to toughen me perhaps
see if i can hack it
take the heat of crazy worlds i sought
cuz i'm an explorer, a traveler
but when the heat became too hot
like when the going got rough
i had no problem rolling
down the winding road
letting you know i would only be around for your honey
no vinegar for this free spirited soul

no vinegar to contaminate my fragile sensitive soul
that has no real place to go that flows in between
rocks and leaves when it empties into the river
you can't catch

like a fish in water i swim steadily
away from stagnant streams dried out

the fairy

somewhere on the corner of some streets
crossroads that have now become trendy
19th st, lexington, s. van ness

i remember your red lips, red hair, black boots
piercings holding your face together

i thought you were beauty
queen as the sun shone down on victorian
rooftops, velvetten rabbit smoke
of a hookah

as i walked to work as the waitress
of some seedy shady kitchen
in black and white

meet me at midnight under the street lights
some queer punk rock band, we forget who we
were, where we came from, as children
on our old fashioned bikes
you told me not to ride so late
all the way to you
but the other women do it
we knew
it was somehow safe in dyke-ville
gender twisted, dangerous drug-ville
with my lids heavy with eyeliner
castor oil in our hair
we liked it greasy

all of a sudden dating people we would never really know
in the straight world, the other world, a country out there
separated from reality and existence and a world
i still crave, god-damn
it's freedom massive mad freedom
removal from childhood
repressive depressive childhood
womanhood freed out there
in those mission streets

women in mens trousers and tightie-whities stuffed with socks
drawing on mustache is only an image
unreal but so real
not how we lived but what wasn't too far-fetched from that reality

don't mock your song about some girl
you silly little
simpleton vaude-villean

because its so liberating you could only be so lucky

and although i am the only one of us who knew
you with your boys pulling me llike glue

hanging on to that country
sweet twang betty in her black boots
it's soooo true
i couldn't put two-and-two
but it wasn't the same and i didn't always follow you
though fearful, afraid to let go now
it would be too far to go with you
down a tunnel of a forced destiny
when i wanna wear my glasses and write poetry thats beautiful
and drink wine from a goblet
in my victorian gown and button down gloves

stolen hot goods and bananas

Yesterday I gave Bindu my slut shoes
Today I really heard white boots
"I'm a man god-damn"
Damn we're a good band

my circus of madness

music words winces my glory
but after the dark always comes a better place

the nerves of a future day
when i am ready

need singers and players
to join my circus of madness
hired guns
or will they be part of my band

if i'm good
they will want to stay
but i just have to believe they may be good

no ragged drug slingers
gun slingers
i can't mess up the show

for i will be good
i will persevere
and the music will take control
driving us down down down
the path of no return

i will lead your ass out of hell

i carry your weight
i lead the weak
only to make them angry
feel less feel meek
when in reality it is me they feed
me they've freed

from the tattered claws of walking alone
come with me on this journey
brave storm
the weathers with me

together we feed the birds of our intestines
each other
but someday you will choose to walk alone
and i feel light
but it takes so long to replace and repair
fill the empty void that is there
but you make it easy with your reminders
that your carry is of a different share
i guess i should look at that too

but i can't help feeling it's unbalanced
and that is not my way
so i've gone to another coast

given you the road of most
while i eat out of plates so empty

i'm tired today
can't seem to muster up the fever today
but i will lead you out of their hell
and introduce them to a life of well
better ways to unstrap your wings
but i will not find you anymore
i will not convince you anymore
if you want me as your guide
you can look me up yourself

just another idea

east of the mississippi
somewhere off the coast of maine
orphaned children living thy name

the path of danger vengeance distrust
all for the man that wants your trust
funding your adventures
through your death comes so close
i think you will be thy first

door to door
by car and by train
they come to your rescue only to dump you
in someone else's vein

though i may not remember or do it for days
i'm on a lengthy mission
these things do not happen overnight
nor am i at will to discuss
your work, still under constrution
in progress
eating mush and cold bacon for breakfast
little children
too young to understand what is really going on
translates to narcissism so easily as you get older
unless you mature grow as well in your brain

orphaned children, or bastard by name
thy mind may not be nurtured
and thus you may appear vain

deliberate

the last night of the last day of the last week of the long months
of our drawn out demise

chalking it up to luck
our reverie of deliberacy
hard work married with the opportunities we grabbed
hours of cautious intention, designs school of rock
learning to read, and premeditated creation
that exist within afternoons of debauchary
within fear
that we can't go this road alone
wanting to talk, set the wheels in motion
it's the romantic notion of things that were

i believe it was grand, a time or two
images and memories

the power of unity, the number three, but let's not forget
the ones that nursed,
the nurse can never be the scientist
the scientist' assistance must provide support
great things can get created but
perhaps the luck was that we found each other
relationships built on idealisms of what would come
did come our way

and in reality the road can be built slow with a stone
let's not forget how it happened
and learn to translate these warriors of our days past
into the metaphors of today