plains

3rd born to a line of gangsters
cowgirl with no name
see me running

i can't hear anymore
these words fall on deaf ears
no more ringing
it has stopped
thank god
relief

sigh, i cannot be near you
chaotic, searching
i will not hear you

i'm tired
though i do get sad
cuz it was so great
but you wore me out
tired
and you left

till there was nothing left
of this minor
stripped the skin off a cubs back
when it was still a baby
still a baby
growing, needing nurturing
you withdrew

never happy
then nor now
it's your lot
go grow your withered leaves
before your bushes fail to thrive

the good work

whatever it takes
the work comes now
silence and reverie
mastubation of the heart

take the time to do the things you must
take the time to do the things you must
but never did before
distracted by lust
wine, wanting to lose control

still tasting the liquor
its sweetness on your lips
somehow make you realize
keep reading the classifieds

there is too much work to be done
tedious, paperwork
self addressed stamped envelopes
bladdity blah
slick her hair blue eyes, she's rather nice

and friends get borrowed on time by their new boyfriends, lovers, future wedded bliss be thy name
thats just how it goes as we get older
we'll still get on with our keys that no longer open doors
and find new knobs that turn slightly ungreased

and make plans as the days pass by
make sure their nice like the walk on the beach
spent with people you like who make you feel right
cuz after day comes night
and we all need to sleep

so do the good work when you can
leaving your nerves in the sand
realize it will all be done in good time

self motivated winnings

after what i saw last week
she's liable to fly off the handle at any time
and join a new band

she's craving the stage the lights
the recognition
willing to do what it takes
accept every invitation
desparate
for adoration

adornment-an ornament of style
which is catching the eye
and beautiful to look at on the outside
but wretched and dismembered on the inside
a lonely and empty soul

for even in the wake
of lights, camera, action
for which she should be honored
she let it be known
that she has other plans
always has other plans
another promise
of her life in lights
a dream she cannot nurture

never surely living, nor believing in her own
taking what she can
where ever it is offered
the leave in believe is spelled differently

and i'm just a spectator
of this unholy demise
that is driven by unworldly desire
for self motivated winnings

the path is never ending

suffocated by the noise
the blanket of the week
then space solitude empty
caged by the weekend

what happened to the one who got up got out and went?

where is the bliss in this emptiness of discontent?

breakfast, coffee water shed
your jeans your t-shirt, dirt spent

silver rings on your fingers
indian art on the backside of my hand
henna art
body art you crave to instill some movement creativity onto your soul
your body

words, unnecessary ruffness in them
when it could be left behind at home
in the room, where you retreat,
not spend the whole day

fuck the dust that settles on cheap wood
focus, forsee the words that replaces these slices
work write forget the words in their brain
suggesting what you know
is true
but there is more to come
this they may wish not
but when you do what you gotta do
things will happen inevitabley
keep it up my friend
the road is long and has been
the path is never ending

let do this already

filial is the new word today
though i waited and expected
based on other words said
and i read what is going on with you my dear
words you write
sing through your fear

just a believer and a dreamer but not a doer so
but i'll try to make it slow

hanging on to what i think is all i've got
when sheds the agony
i got a lot

of gusto and life
don't worry we'll work through this strife

it's the loneliest thing i'll do
sadness and fear and dread its true
just from a few days of blue ocean stream
changing moods and structure
two steps back and still moving forward
i promise

you are and happiness ensues, i want it to
but paranoia and envy encapusulate venues

let do this already

money

awake in the morning
i realize your name
the way i live my life
an excuse
for the way you live yours

people in india die from unknown causes
while you blame so easily
and it doesn't slide off
as you might think it should
as i wish it would

when the reality is that this is it

i find peace here
knowing how near to me
you are my dear

but the rest is a game
in my head, i guess
that you play to remind me
convince me, that it is me

the one who has caused us to be where we are

it's a game you play that works
to secure your position
in life

when in reality you would be no different
without me

like a child planning an outfit
for the next school day
this is it
and it is ok

at least we came to where we did
at least we came out here when we did
we could stay like this forever
and it would be ok

with no expectations in our head
of the future
except respect and honor

and everything that comes out of your mouth
is wishful thinking
but to put the dream into action
is a desire and drive you lack
although steadfast and sturdy you continue

if only to be discovered
while i play the lotto

a vision, an image you want to impress

i can't even afford the tattoo on my arm
that i want
that is real

slow and steady wins the race
that i will give you
but the rest is your dream
that i no longer believe

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

every time the reminders of what i've done
who i've been
where i've gone
what i've done
what i've done

as i sip the white wine
that i cannot even stand sweet sugar
sifting sand
and the sighs of worry
that i have to hear

i'd rather just avoid it all together

but that doesn't work either
then i feel sad, mad, comfort and guilt
all combined into one chaotic quilt

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

i'd rather just avoid it all together
because a part of me cannot deal
does not know how to deal
though this year i've gotten better

but still a slip up here, a slip up there
still moving forward on this painful path i need to walk
slow, often crawl, because i am afraid to admit
to the one who needs to hear it
in words
beause action speak louder

so i'm getting ready to go
in even that alone
though my laze wants me to avoid it
remain in the comfort of my home
afraid one day it will all be torn

all my actions, or inactions paralyzed by fear

joan jett was at the hotel tonight

but i know i've gotta please the one inside
can't live in fear
for others who may one day just give up on me
throw in the towel
because i'm just not worth the trouble anymore

which in that case, i'd be left with nothing
not even me

in this scenario
where i go
driven by gut
a step towards action and proof
at least i'd still have me
and maybe one more

i might just get some peace

is it time to wear boots again
as i stare out the window
i tire of los angeles' heat

with dreams of going back to a cooler time
but in that wish i would leave this all behind
music and art and that which i've built with it

i'm a ball of emotion
convinced i could take it with me
but the truth is i'm mad
been mad for far too long now

and indeed i could take it with me
i'm so concerned and consumed by guilt
or fear that i'll hurt the one i love
the one i unwittingly threatened
because of their lack of movement
wanting change and growth and life
when they inch along

so now their in
did what i asked
and i'm still not happy
ready to change the stakes again

because i'm retarded and strapped into guilt
by their words

when if i just let the guilt go
let the love in
let the anger go
let the art in

let the solution-focused theoretical crap
actually into my world
know where the words come from
start tuning in to the subtlety
i might just get some peace

in danger of flying off the handle

two steps back yesterday
or maybe three steps forward
i still cannot tell

when will i stop being so angry i said
and she's moving on
and they've all moved on
still practicing the media of song

i was fucked up for so many years
still sometimes have a hard time seeing clear
but i'm getting there, out of the woods
to the open space where i can finally say
i was wrong

i made a mistake

but only then i know it is too late

the emotions are there
torn
spare
soft and mushy flesh
an open wound

i dare say i might end up hurting
i need an adult to hold me in place
i'm always in danger of flying off the handle
making a bad decision
driven by passion, liberation

no wonder you are scared

but it won't happen that way anymore
but i can't deny that which makes me smile
makes me happy
is ultimately a part of my life

i'm not even going to pretend

i have nothing.
i'm not even going to pretend
just solitude, and comfort
and my good friends

i am nothing
i'm not even going to pretend
just simple, and easy going
with visions of cotton and denim

i do nothing
that warrants reward
i get out of it what i do
i'm not going to build it up

but it's beautiful to me
i exist in this heavenly
sometimes its hard
giving so much
giving so much up
to give this cup

of water to the children
of my heart you are not in need
of anything big
and i don't really achieve any great feat
in fact,
you may not see
me

for years and years, then one day remember
maybe you'll call

when you stop being angry

twig

you're barely 18
and i can see the fear behind those eyes
the pain of what is going to be lost
i carry your angst like a bounty in my brain

you yell, you're loud, you beg me within your tears
all in five minutes time
then you're gone
laughing
on to the next song

you're not even 18
and i can't remember your pains
i was much older then

and your troubles seem so little to me
your legs, your arms withering away
twig like a baby

mothering. sistering, stop the madness,
you have so much ahead of you

you listen, you nod, you agree
"this is all slowly killing me"

then you're gone
begging me not to go
you walk away with your heart in your stomach
but i believe you are in good hands

subtle reminders manipulative by nature

still trying to get over it
feeling bad or guilty when i don't wanna do something
but somehow feel obligated
even more i don't wanna

and i'm not a teen ager
so peer pressure should not be in my vocabulary
but kids as you get older
one thing your peers become better as is pressure

and if you're strong and not driven by a strange desire
to please or relieve your own guilt
or a fear of being alone
you can head it off at the pass
but if you feel bad, feel guilty
conscientous about people's feelings to the pure neglect of your own
then you'll have problems
people will know and use it against you
for thier good

mostly its a fear might to pass up some opportunity
but if to pass em anyway, why even bother
give people the wrong impression
that you might give a damn, be available when they need you
no, you won't so why even bother

thats where i am finally getting to
the place where i recognize
the only people i mess with are people who let me be me
don't expect anything
and don't get mad, sad

the ones that do
co-dependent too
will nip at your heels
you are their unsuspecting prey

with subtle reminders that are manipulative by nature
give an inch and they will take a mile

purpose

with persistence she presents and i want to unfold
empty out the chasm i'm holding in
because i want her to understand

but years of watching, wishing and wanting
trying, i have learned
tunnel vision, simplistic yet complex
hence i withold

i guess only marcy will know

when i say withold, its almost withdraw
but be nice, i'm reminded
it's not thier fault

we all want different things
and its best to stop trying to enlighten
the un-self-acutalizing un-ready

because it just makes you feel bad
angry and sad

so just go about your business
you know what you have to do

they want you
for their purpose
not willing to accept, or maybe they forget that
you have your own

a fine wine

it is supposed to be repair
some stiletto high heels
some 40's flower same size
your money is long here

resting your ears and your sweat glands
staying cool, sometimes tired
lonely, confused sad at loves shapes and sizes
but its the taunting of a sick wind that blew on sunday

envious of its beauty, its life you see in others
it's power to sustain you guide you
allow you to complete classes and grades
the same patterns of your youth
you can't accomplish alone

but resentful of it's boundaries
so defined
in ink
poetic guides you reprave
but need

so, it's all repair but for what end
to simply live and enjoy life, i say
put on your dark jeans and black wife-beater
in your denim jacket, studded belt
blue, anyway
dyed your hair again
looking so youthful, eating your fruit, i see
drinking your water and working out, we see

resting your ears, sweat glands, and mind
let the money flow in and guide you
it's all about the benjamins they say

so next time you will look good
rest and you get better with age
and smarter of course
because you read

an element of an elephant

today turned out to be my lucky day
even though there was an element of an elephant
when i wasn't afriad to let go
i was given something in return

so many days spent trying to walk away
but afraid
the elephant in the room getting bigger by the day
the elephant in my world, refusing to go away

finally when i let the energy go, just go
i let the new energy grow

it's like dead hair or a bad nail polish color
sometimes the illness is hard to let go
even when you know what you have to do
sometimes the truth is hard to swallow
the path hard to follow

but strength in mind, heart, and gut
is the only thing you can trust
not these people who frown, or taunt in disgust

telling you the illness is not real
trying to control how you think and feel
not willing to acknowledge the madness is damaging time
wreaking havoc on space

the illness is there on so many levels,
it's in their words
the way they evoke guilt

it's in their eyes
the way they suggest disappointment

it's in the glass
always full of contempt, until we toast, and drink and smile
so lets drink to drown these sorrows

the illness now in our veins, our togetherness
seeled in our blood

so many years i tried to walk away
but the patterns were so emblazoned on my cornea, my pupils
vision blurred

because what lay beyond was clouded by a fear that refused to clear
and they knew i feared, and they feared that the end was always near
and they tried to hold on, and they tried to remind me of who i used to be
they tried to get me to be that which is old, lent, spent, and used
for their good

the elephant reared it's head a few times today
but i refused to be re-used hahahehe, i just wanna laugh
because you'll never control me again

just a notion

the notion of mother fair soft smooth face lady
bear us with pain and never let us forget

the game of the father, shocked then fell for the daughters
who loved and lived the life you would want too

but yet you two pull them away from freedom
as your mind refuses to change. turn. view the evolution of what you knew

the choices you'd want for them limited in what you chose for them

because there aren't really that many choices are there
just more opportunities?
with you steering the reins
but you really could care less
you want them to follow the path you believe is right
you really could care less about the passion that lies in a nation built on freedom
from tradition

the notion of right
is only as true as the powers bestowed it by your family

but lo and behold the choices you wanted. the choices forth giveth the daughters
that led to the passion that burned in their goiters of love for the livers. their lovers. and lifers.

for what more you have given, lest you even believen, is the passion for freedom and the ability to fly

so why not just let them?

revel in the madness just for one moment, and enjoy what you birthen

another warrior

thank you to the ones that have honestly
and genuinely said what made sense to me
about me, i know you mean it sincerely

and the ones who keep their mouth shut
well i know what you're thinking
when you stare, size me up and down
but thank you for acting like you weren't judging me
there has got to be some civility

and the sweet ones, who admire me
appreciate my silly, covet my simplistic outward liberated mentality
thank you
you built me

and the ones who didn't come from a place of knowing me
and attacked me based on some inner security
you too have taught me in the beginning to hate myself
but you pushed me to take a better look at me and
in the end you helped me to improve myself
and appreciate this strength in me that people often confuse for weakness
or try to break down
but i can't help it
i'm a warrior

with scars and battle wounds to prove it

and those in my life, the teachers
did i pick you because
even as adults we need guidance
to learn what is still unlearnt

don't forget

i am the get shit done work mad like a frenzy bitch
i'm the wham bam thank you ma'am gotta get to my ass to the next gig can't stay too long chic
i partied with the best of them, gained hours but lost daylight and weight, and now i'm all done
but don't forget i can still drink and smoke like a champ your ass under the table shit
some want to control me, some want to behold me
because i'm a sucker for an old friend with a good look, or the gift of gab
at least i was
but what you may have forgotten is that i'm not into sticking around bullshit
no whiny clingy babies, or posturing needy ladies who think i want what they do, think as they do, should look, feel and live as they do, that just because i did that shit when i was young doesn't mean i haven't moved on or should move on with them in their worlds where i don't wanna belong because i don't wanna be alone. nope.
i can dine alone, drink alone, smoke alone, live alone, party alone
i do it all alone
and i've moved on from you needy ones
you are not children, not my children, stop acting like i want a piece of your recipe for madness just because i've let you get away with it for so many years. so many years wondering if and when you would change, grow up.
because years went by and i wasn't fierce, didn't say what i was thinking, didn't wanna hurt your feelings for fear of losing your friendship, but those days are going going gone girls.

judging is always part of the game.

with friends like these who needs enemies
so the saying goes
i'm not the stay at home and cook for my man girl
i'm not the barefoot and pregnant sit by the phone girl
i'm not the sheep, or a follow the crowd girl
i'm a believer in my own, a do-er, a fighter, a get out there and winner
and i reflect on the damage i have done in my time
i know i've been wrong and split some hairs in my mad frenzied need to get ahead of myself whirl
and i say sorry to you because i led you to believe i would never judge you
when in actuality i was weighing your good, your bad, your evil, in stacks in my room
pages of wealth i've dedicated to you
to tear apart and depict you all of you
in my need to be needed by you
by some entity larger than me

because i judge, indeed it's true, and my hypocrisy was my fear of reciprocity

judging is part of the game