inaction

will it rain will it rain will it rain
you sit and wonder
on your parade
on your day

will she go crazy, or act insane
or will she maintain

not like she used to
but like she always has been
will continue to be
forever

when will it rain
how long will we have to sit and wait
ten twenty years

this life long drought we live in
believe in
ironicity
ironic city

anger and fear
causes wells to dry up
issues that arise in your water cooler
refusing to function properly
as though someone stuck a thorn
or a prick of some sort
into your hole
discomfort
inaction

will you maintain
outlive this pain
be resistant to change

will you sit at your desk and draw
on your carpet
as though you were a seven-year old child again
wishing
dreaming
that the dreams were true another reality were given to you
what do you want to do

live in a big city
work and accomplish
stylistic action
bread and friends

live in a city thats been good to you
work and accomplish
style-wise resuscitation
mis-representation

what leads to inaction
is in your mind

a happiness still shines through

although i have to be quiet in the mid morning dawn
dew drops haven't fallen so soon

a light shines in my heart anew
somethings so long forgotten entere again

i know i was wrong before confused
written words that hurt plans unused

and i'm headstrong and driven and crazy things
when you slower slow slow down way down
still want this energy around

different speeds in life
but still feed each other things like dim-sum and egg-drop
mad like hell for the recognition or some performance
you didn't want to hear
perhaps
but when that door finally closed, and i let it slam behind me, still angry
willing to refuse to follow you, pester you

some things you have to let go
sometimes they come back to you, it's true
going forward is all you can ever do

and there are so few beings in this sphere
that understand me like you do
it was really painful in what is done at you
because who tries to compete, say they're better than you

but jealousy and control, people are not possessions
to be bought or kept in a box
individual entities with a path all their own
mind of thier own
separation always unsues

but if you keep it within you
know that peace is a part of you
and will always be with you
and that you always have the right to choose
a happiness still shines through

what do you share with this end?

there is frigid air amidst our fingers
rotten blue fret with tears

but still i let you in
once in a while
once in a blue moon

and there is too much to do now
and time passes
your wings sometimes like angels
i'm lucky to have you

but tread carefully i say
put it in the right category i say

there are friends who share lunch, a conversation so light
friends who share tea, like shopping on a mid-summer day
friends who get drunk, sometimes you join them in laughter so silly
friends who share an inner sense of style, a museum nightlife
friends who have passion
so much so
they endanger your soul

with a fire for a fashion that will pass in the night
boys who never become men
like dragons in the night

what sometimes you wonder do you share with this end
what exactly do you share with this end?

is it dinner for two
a party at night?
lunch in the sun
a double-date?

we'll figure it soon, out in the open
don't let go of the hesitancy in your eyes

conversations with sydney

whats the new name going to be sydney
conversations and chronicles with a new person
but the same identity or is it changed now?

selling yourself short
realization is not open for discussion
people who feed at the bar
on your empty keys
hollow soul
when you are really so much more like a tree
silent and strong

oh tree oh tree
what is in your name, and who are you sydney
like a trunk or branch
of your leaves, falling at my feet green with envy

because i don't have much and i don't want more
don't need to be encapsulated by these wretched souls
ok, more like empty, crying in, begging me to be with like blank

i talked about you today, to sydney. she is me
or like me, i should say. we
talking amongst ourselves to ourselves
self help me psychology. sydney doesn't know you
or rather you don't get to know her, and i doubt she will be lain
at your door step, waiting for you, letting you in
anytime soon
nor
not ever again
and as one said to her one day, i'll see you when i see you attitude
is even too much time for me so let's just leave it at we''ll see
if i ever have the need. that is if you will have me

because you know, what you do, and i know you will need. but that doesn't mean you will still agree.

after all this anyway

i fell off the tracks again, how did i get so far off
the destined path, and strength of these weeks past

just a few words, a night of sound, loud ringing in my ears
tears never came, but I sat there in the pit

i'm turning it off now for sure. there is hope but type-a
blood is not in me. it could if i lose sleep

and i do anyway all night tossing and turning
what do i care about what you think
after all this anyway

we shared in its honesty is good and its not like i'm cut from this cloth
silently go forward closing this book its long finished chapters overdue
in a library without a view

the silence says more than words ever did. i have always said that to you
and i know you know he knows we all know whats really going on here

the weak one. the one who lacks self respect and dignity
is the last one standing with a smile
but tears somewhere behind lost in the embers of the spirit

there is no fight, nothing left to say, we all know what must happen
and how we then must find a way

the bolshoi dances like a mid summer swan, and lets her skirt flow
ballerina in the air, your dance of your dream somewhere smoked in your hair

and i hold down the keys of some song silhouette, dreaming of these teams
we always felt we deserved and could get, we worked at

but things fall apart and change never fails. it's time for me to collect
and build a world left on hold

circles

moving in circles
the ones that encapsulate
feathers that breed

i'm tired of the themes
in this life
can't figure out ways to make it better

i circulate within
ideas only in my mind
change the outer feel
to help the inner
being

but the inner wants out
when it knows i won't leave
or perhaps i will move

i had it for a day
perhaps even a week
and before that a few

and now it seems gone
lost
sold its soul to an abyss

i create these circles
inside
with an iron fist
that i can't even create
no force

i know i will stay to finish
what's started
but what is not even there
doesn't even have a chance
to exist

style

i was inspired by her hair
day two
so much like something
i used to do
or did
before

no fancy no foder
on her face

but still caring, daring
in a public place

sometimes i feel like its such a waste
for a rainy day or a sad face
with no style

but like one said
it's a state of mind
even when your naked
asleep

when you wash your clothes
lay around
you never know
what will abound of course
where you may have to go

tomboy lipstick who cares
fashion is not just for girls
not a feminist de-construct

do you lose it sometimes
and years go by
it will still be mine
simple but mine
different versions of the same

still sometimes a little nudge
a new face that reflects back

not like those following trends
or try to wear what is only in
this stuff is way beyond them

sometimes what you like is in
easily found
other times you wish you had a sewing machine

what you should know

saying a lot of stuff
about we this
and we that

remember
the poetry is within me
like the songs that haven't been written

sure i play guitar
sometimes i ride along
i will

but more so happy to have found this voice
again

and i won't be tricked into giving
100% more than i can give
guilted into living
a life i cannot live

and i won't be sharing information
with each and every one
giving ammunition
on how my life is run

like friends who manipulate and cheat
live in a cloud of denial
and deceit

i mean as long as you are honest
with yourself
and who am i to judge?

but it does spill over you probably don't see
how your lies, and judgement affect me

your insecurity drowns out the voice
of mine, and everyone's
though somewhere underneath i know you can hear

but i am afraid it will be too late my friend
and i have no more time to waste
coddling your confused and petty face
wishing you had friends that followed you
as though life were a race
for money
or fame
or beauty

they never will, you know
everyone has got thier own
you know
battles to win
ghosts to chase
aspirations and reasons
for living different than yours

invested maybe not
but history is a joke
it bears no witness for what is to come
there's something you should know

your expectations will fall flat
so rely on what's in you
you will only get to keep what's yours
what's inside your soul

stop looking for guarantees
on a life worth living

i've never had a dream
when reality was present

liberation and lonely

expel all the exterior repression
and break free. liberation and lonely go hand in hand. it always seems.
but can you pull your head out higher up to see. you are better off without the ones
you remember. draggin you down. to the ground. like that forgotten clown.
you said it yourself. you wanted this you've felt, so many times in the past
home is where the heart is. and you've got a good one.
people want to own you claim you use you for their own needs, and you accept
is being lonely really so bad that it drives people to do the crazy be the crazy
allow the crazy
in
smart girls, proud girls, lonely girls all waiting to be taken in
in this country where more is better
and everyone in this city is expecting gold
to take them to heaven, any second now, it's going to happen, i can feel it
so you tried to call yesterday, and she never did call, is it a game people play to win
and why does it hurt when you do it too, when it only serves as a reminder to you
to break free of this, expel the exterior repression
liberation is in your hand
and lonely is in your mind

further

talk is cheap
these words drown desire
and hold me down

it is something you want to hear
specific
wanting to hear
your own voice
idealisms like yours
narcissism

for years i supplied
willingly along
agreed
what you wanted to hear
needed
to go ahead

i too
believed those words i said
true
wanted to believe in you

somewhere along
the words lost meaning
maturity ensued
the lights came on
ideals renewed
rediscovered

and i woke up
lost
alone
living a life of someone
unknown

see those words
won't work anymore
or for me now
and perhaps never did
fell off before i even met you
and i have to be true

afraid these new words
can't stand up
don't fit in
perhaps time is now
un-do, and re-do

as my thoughts flew
and out of your control
i flew

along today
i go on my own
still

further and further away
from anyone's control

we fed each other
i fed you, you fed me too
for too many years

there is a neediness in you
that i can no longer fulfill

history

1977-1988 Extensive training in classical piano (Composers studied include: Bach, Beethoven, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Haydn)
1981-1983 Played clarinet in school band (Walnut Acres Elementary)
1982-1988 Jazz Dance, Classical Indian Dance
1986- Start writing poetry
1993- Got first guitar (acoustic) and began self teaching
1995- Got first electric guitar (Fender Strat) and Crate practice amp
1995-1998 Lots of song writing temporary posts in bands: Jah Rebel, Jen's Holding (bought 2 Korg keyboards)
1999-2001 Writer for SFGirl.com (Online Column)
2000-2001 DJ on Luxuriamusic.Com
2001-2006 Poems published in International Poets Society
2001-2006 Guitarist in Ze Auto Parts

save your pajamas for another year

the days of long pants and boots are over
as the sun shines on the west
desert heat blows in from the east
what the sun will see

now in skirts and cut up tees
the girls dawn their summer wear
the boys in tanks in hummer v's
los angeles will be

i desire to sew up skirts
to cut off hair
the dark makeup around the eyes
indian style
night

no more
caught up in another decade
somehow doesn't fit anymore
though some may try
actually pull it off

day is here
save your pajamas for another year

halfway dressed

sleep comes over
and creates a lull

lazy bones i wanna fall
too many hours until the morning
awake early in the morning
homeward bound
stuck in reverse

i wanna get out get started
but i can't get motivated
undecided

still is too early
i should be in bed
but i couldn't

had to think
too many things

now already started
halfway dressed
gotta get out there and
move my muscles

make him some coffee
i'm just like my mother
but motherhood is not my career
and i'm still a child
immature
suckling

take charge
live in confidence
not out of obligation
or fear of regret

no one else has to live your life
no one else has to live this life
no else else has to live my life
in my shoes
in my head
so do what you please
do what you will
and let the others live for regret

the phone ring

today and
several times a day
an invite here
an invite tonight
the hot place to be
a sister
a birthday

gotta wash the hair
the car
work late
the laundry
how many excuses can there be
till the calls stop
one day

neediness has finally escaped
hollowness has been replaced
comfort in the own skin
alone
the only fear
is that it will someday
re-enter and reposess

and the crave of dolls that now enslave
the nightlife the parties
the phone ring

but today see the flee
far away
leave this life
and its frivolity, friends and flimsy
far behind

a new city
a new look
a new outlook

with books and sound
and passion old re-new

she's gone so far away
they say
never to come back
never did she want to stay
she hated it
they say
she hated who she beccame
they say
some if true
i say
but the truth is always gray

strong today
in knowing that their presence
somehwat annoying
somewhat a blessing
outgrown

grow old alone

fashion can save your life

fashion can save your life
spending time on style
not money
safety in clothes
you love
be brave little one
you will live

the powerless child

sitting here semi nervous
when will the animal awake

so many things you told me
reminded me
we're all living so wrong

but what capacity
do women and men ever get along?
you wanna know what is missing?

something is always missing i said
but i pretend thats good enough

i'm sitting here in tip toe
when will the children awake
the powerless mother
the powerless child

yet we talk with others in mind
as if theirs is worse than mine

are you kidding me?
one verbal slap is all needed to retreat
away from those who
angry depressed confused within
try to stand thier conflicted soul
in front
blocking
attempts to brainwash
drop their baggage at your feet
i barely know you
who are you?
why do you think you know so much about anything?

how can you walk the path that steers clear

i'm in a difficult place
i hear the springs move
but no inhaling
love is gray

i jump from thought to thought
but persons who are injust
all filling the same anger
in my heart

because it is all about control
of the mind
everyone has an idea
of how it should be done

mean people don't have a room in my home

destination within

"how you gonna win, if you ain't right within?"
-Lauryn Hill


on the road again
about to get on the plane again
this is how i like it

no desire to down the bottle
just hang out with an old friend

filling up the well
inspiration is mind
inspiration in mine

and it's time to let it in
to let it all the way in
not let the powers retard me
the thoughts provoke me
that say sit still
don't move
trick thy self
you should be happy
when your fingers don't move

it's that time again
let the flying begin
5 hours here
4 hours tomorrow
destination within

-motor wilson

cheering teen america

i walk this trail
a path from my past
past the old park
near your old house

i walk this old path
now i walk fast
with my hat
pulled down like a mask

i hide from suburbia
big and sunburnt burbia
tv dinner reality show mania
running past swimming pools
shaded peaceful areas
cheering teen america

blonde beauty i was never
ethnic beauty so unwanted
scary to the masses

i think now, its ok where i am
glad its not where i was
with you then
stuck in homogenous
ville

you were stronger, you were ok
i was not
i wanted more

you showed them
to my amazement
you showed me
to my face

and still i know
somewhere deep down
that fabulousity was mine first

always was me, not you
despite the road you took
despite my gut
my lack of will
your perseverence

for somehow you figured it out
while i was still gloating

and my coming may be late
but i believe it will be there
and it will be bright

if only i were able to go to new york

a piano awaits me

"and i rode along side
and i rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road" -Tori Amos

This weekend, was going to take the guitar
on up with me now
was gonna pull the strings right up with me now
but i had a better idea
since i'm out here on my own now
can't count on this now, ever? no more

and people from this past
try to wash up on these shores
i'm not ready to face them now

not while you take the time
to think
insinuate
this may not go on
then slap me awake
when you come around

i can't take the time to sit around anymore
the words keep coming out of me
the lyrics in my brain
inspiration has never been so strong

so i'm lucky you've released me
for my life will not wait
for you to figure out
what you wanna do

This weekend, was going to sling on the guitar
strapped onto my back
then i remembered
the strings of
a piano awaits me
beyond the fog

a piano is tuning into my extremities
into my sitar
into my guitar