The Atheist

I don't want babies, and sometimes feel so bad
like I'm not the girly girl I'm supposed to be
because I am going to end up sad and lonely

I can't imagine the suckling of breast milk nor the late night feedings
I am much too simple

I can't imagine the shopping the decorating the waiting for the baby
the purchasing and the planning and the demanding of my time
I am much too peaceful

He wonders why I feel bad, perhaps you are in denial
that's so easy to say, so cliche'
I just feel bad and thats not why anyway

It's the way I have to listen and feign interest in the girls
my good friends discuss the alien in their belly
the amazing amazing spiritual baby birth process which I will never know
I wonder if this makes me shallow

I don't want to be shallow, any more than I already am
Perhaps I fear my lack of spirituality makes me an ugly dry atheist
which I never talk about, and cringe when people mention God
every single time. I die.

It's been this way for as long as I can remember. I don't tell anyone
haven't in years. Don't want to argue because
It's not that I don't believe in alien life forms or ripples
or even intelligence of a larger kind
it's just that I know it's a machine churning and churning
nature will control and do what is natural organic and
us people we just don't know
constantly trying to control
there is no God no ground control, it's just nature and it's cycle

My pregnant friend thinks its noble not to frivolously populate
my other friend, mother of two, says you get to be the crazy aunt
accepting each others life as thier own to navigate
other girls wonder why I don't feel like they
I think it's a giant gash in our ways, these girls have gone
It's a giant canyon they think their way, being a mother, letting child ravage body.
Especially at this age...or perhaps any age...
There is more to life I say.....I think I've officially gone my distance ways.