sadness

has taken over
and cannot be shaken, because people and their egos, hurt i guess, and i'm too intuitive and know exactly what is going on, can so easily read between the lines, but have to do what i have to do what is best for me and get punished by everyone in the interim. and maybe i'm easily punished because i'm so transparently needy for these people and they know how to push my buttons, or maybe it's the opposite and i come across as not needing anyone because people just try to hold me back anyway and i'm going to do what i need to do anyway, or am i? or do i cower and feed people what they need? when do i start living for me? and i love our dinners, my groups of 3, dinner, movies and shopping. i love my dinners with my dearly beloved though we don't share the same passion for art or beauty and so many other things, but there is a lot of love. and i need to go to india soon, need to leave this behind, need need need so many things and mostly i'm just left so so so very empty. and thank you for coming and filling me on my day of need, but mostly, i guess you feel your done. is it something i'm not doing? am i really that callous and mean? and i'm going to be soo sad too when i leave, it's always so hard to start over esp as we grow older. and i don't even mind this 9 to 5 it's beauty and so close to my home, easy, peezy. and fun. but the new message i'm given is that i will be losing out, losing in these places and faces. friends that i've made conditional if only i stay. that's the message today. though you and i both know it's not true, in my case anyway, i make friends to stay. for life or longer. i do. so afraid of the dark. the quiet. the empty. and i think i know what i have to do, and i'm just waiting for the right sign or door to open.