On Being Judged and Rejected....

Walking through these days with a handful of sweet gut juice
Leaping through the air, over windswept fears of jealousy and superficial friends
then there is the current fragrance I should just be alone
I am ultimately mostly alone anyway, yet bound by these strong strings
"can you talk?" I know what he means, and I can't help but feel
I traded these in

It's all for the journey "you made all the right moves"
is that not subjective to the person it benefits the most?

I know I did though. For I had to see this through
and disappointment on being judged and rejected
controls me today... and her words ring true You need time. Neediness a reflection of time.
I want her to be right. and the other one saying "You will feel the pain 3 months later." I want her to be wrong.
And I know she is. I feel both right now.

Who controls the time? Who controls the time and space? I wonder not.

All the Fucking Talk

Ladies ladies ladies
all you wanna do is talk talk talk
and shop shop shop
eat, shop, eat shop, and fucking talk

talk about love and process all its glory
hear about my love life and untangle all my stories
I like my life it's mystery, the tangled webs i weave
I like to keep it to myself and hunger for it beneath
I dress myself in the morning and I would rather make the money
than listen to you tell me how love is supposed to be

How can you define a gigantic mystery of love
you're so confused by it, you advertise idiot
magpie he cals it, and it rings true
going to Costco to spend your lunch hour
on hotdogs and super size value packs
no thank you magpie
i'd rather sit here and make money on top of money
than listen to your blathering blabber
go talk up another fucking ladder.

Mongolian Nomad

Saying trading it all for Rock 'n Roll
And dead serious
these mundanities of 9 to 5-ities and HMO health plan-ities
and beauracracies

limited versions of so-called families and no flexibility
and idiodacy friends who stab you once twice three times
not out of spite, but sheer airheaded careless-ness
like leaving the door of your house open so everyone can steal your things
what's really going on bitches?
grow the fuck up

peeling off layer by layer, one by one
I swear one day it will all be gone
it's already almost all gone

and I never really wanted to go there
but comfort and effort for nice things and nice skin
bank accounts and medical plans, I was the only one, everywhere
but the sheer meaness I feel it 'cuz it still spurs
and all the tears I spent on it
little reminders over the years
12 long years

of building something I didn't really believe in
in the end
because it wasn't what it was meant to be
and things aren't always as they seem or as you want them to be

Slowly I won't care anymore
Slowly I won't eat anymore
Slowly I won't itch, cry, breathe, live
So, just fucking let it go, and let it be

In the midst of all this hard work and rain
there is a light and pangs of pain

it comes and goes in waves
and then i remember things like emptiness
and obsession and posession
which scare the living daylights out of me

and i remember it's the freedom i have only
time to gain

wow i'm bitter and angry
the same
things change but some things stay the same

your body doesn't know what to do with the extra proteins
they say

and people are ignorant and trying to be cultured
all day

and is the music reason enough to stay
when i get obliterated 3 times a day

exacted and empty these girls without pay

wow i'm so cold and detached
i hate people
i hate everyone today and yesterday
and i'm fucking sad and exhausted again
today

still i swell

in the noisy semi-drunken expression
this rock 'n roll life, no expectation
of children or being a wife

and an agreement was made sort of it seemed
no there is nothing we can do for our parents
at this point
but be ourselves, and be happy and lead our lives

but still i swell
fear there is no real love in this well
cuz you don't love me anymore
and i've hurt you in a million different ways

and this whole boy girl thing
i can't go down it again
causing pain and feeling bad
obligated into loving
so that you will protect me and save me
after sharing
still be in love with me
when clearly you no longer do

all at once

we sat together in silence
all morning
me and the kid
no, not my kid thank god
but nonetheless suprising myself

today i am an open sore
and sitting quietly never felt better
i am waiting for you to reach inside and grab
all that is there
until there is no more

i love and hate all at once
am proud and scared all at once
and next will come little boy talkative
and we'll probably have to play a game

and my neighbors who think that i've got it made
with love all around
and i do, but know it's not true
no, it's not true

i've got this pain this deep deep pain
that won't be fed and won't go away
it's piercing into my gut
and rising