The Wrong Impression

I am sorry, but I have given you the wrong impression. Whereas you want to go out and have drinks and try out a new restaurant or night club, make new friends, be seen, and enjoy life in general, I have given you the impression that I would like to join you, that somehow I need your friendship, or want your advice, or that we should even hang out. I have given you the wrong impressions, because I am either too nice, or I am afraid to put my own needs first because of guilt, concerned about upsetting you or hurting your feelings because it in return may make my life harder. Plus, maybe I'm always stock-piling for that rainy day, when I might by accident be all alone in this world, and unprepared then I need to have people to call right? Even though most of the time I am a hermit. Do you even know that I am mostly a hermit? So I guess I engage in a sort of stock piling, even though I don't share the same philosophies as you and think you to be not-so-smart or ignorant or conservative or not-so-brave. And, I figure I'm just networking, preparing myself for the day when I decide to become some uptight, career driven, manicured girl who's gonna need some connections. But, maybe I was also hoping to find something, an inch of edge even, someone like me. A new friend. But, then upon being being mostly disappointed I come to further realize you are not even being nice to me in return half the time, so on top of it all I am getting treated poorly, when i've been kicked out of classier joints, and because maybe your jealous or envious or you think rightly-so that I am judgmental or condescending, looking down my nose on you most of the time anyway, god I'm such a bitch and then I get angry when you blow me off, because clearly you think you are better than me. it's just stupid idiotic because we're not meant to be friends, so why do we even try. my world is so different than yours, but that's my point precisely. I don't want to be closed minded and a reverse hypocrite. So, i let you in, open myself up to our friendships so that at least I have some friends, despite your suburban, corporate, biblic ways, since my close friends are scattered all around the world, and are lesbians, while your friends are married with children and the husbands are accountants. or something that this society probably needs to function but shows no braveness. no creativity. no passion. no soul. yet, for some reason, i still let you in even though I am totally and overly disgusted and opposed because you are ultimately what I call straight poop when I sum it all up, and you associate with straight poop and ultimately live in fear. and then i know he is right. It's reverse discrimination. i'm guilty as charged. I guess I tried to hide it, and deny it. But the truth cannot be ignored. I am a reverse discriminator, a heterophobe. And I only like the bi ones if they are primarily gay. I hate straight bi-curious girls and boys. Why? I've been racking my brain. And I've determined that it's the strength of gays and lesbians that I admire. A bravery that most straight girls I've met lack. So, the rest of you, though, I gave you the impression we were going to be close buddies are just associates, colleagues, network buddies. We'll stay in touch, but I seriously doubt we'll ever be good friends.