September Slow

Virgo sun shifted quietly in as my leo rising sank into the dim
September is almost here my friends
September boys quietly move in

With your loyalty, integrity, dependency lack of social malignancy
Virgo September boys are still waiting

I shift in my skin, anxious, driving and driven
I determine and determinedly move necessity to prove
my artistic nature, my creative nature. when it should soothe.
soothe me in and out
it should soothe.
September boys, diligently move, decidedly and peacefully
though I know anxiety is yours too

And all the April girls know, that everyone else moves much too slow.

Follow Thru

In these new days of sobriety
I am so wide awake
empty in my gut
sad without my love.

I gotta keep writing
I gotta keep playing
something prevents me
I keep on straying
self sabotaging
self betraying

It's not like I have forgotten you
I just fear the moment I touch you
your silky black frame
and strong six strings
you melt like butter in my fingers

But I so easily freeze
in the freezing days
of blur and burr
I so easily take up
cheaply with new friends
and the old
wanting to be the druggie in me
wanting to think it can be good forever

I've hurt many along the way but mostly I've hurt myself
easily giving in to the buzz buzz buzz
any day
in fact every single day
complaining about the extensive long work days
but then making up with disaster in between
waking up with a massive headache and days lost
in between

It's not that I ignore you
touching your shiny white skin
because when I play you
the black notes in between
the minor minor songs I've written
However unfinished
I feel blessed and happy
shiny again

Yes, I am writing for work
Writing this and that
Writing about what I learned
Yes, I'm doing what feels right to my heart
but why do I constantly leave out the art?

Even though every now and again
I come back around
I throw myself in again
But fear and doubt seep slowly in
It's true
I'm the creator, not the victim
I'm the creation of a victim in her own skin

I hear the words coming out of my mouth
about him or her or them or that
I hear them resonate
I break down barriers for the world
but for some reason I can't tear em down
within

So the time is now
I'm setting new goals
again
but this time I've had enough
of trying to pretend

Making time in your schedule is not enough
follow thru is the only thing that wins
in the end.

Waiting for Fall.

My friends these days
I see you getting old
breaking bones
withering stones

No longer the spriteful youthful invincible bodies
no longer the carefree, willful attitude of spring
Summer has set full swing, on this wheel of life
slowly we are
Waiting for Fall.

Many having your young children now
Some you're still out there trying find your home
trying to find your space
Tired of being alone
But things burn down, bodies break down
And we still gotta keep going.
Youth is so different.
We always think there is an end goal.
Never knowing we've reached it.

But we've all worked so hard for so many years
The desire is no longer the same
But our muscles know nothing else
We will work and stress as we always have
Always still playing the game.
Despite these things, age, getting in the way.

And all we do recognize things that were important once
are laughable now
we had fun oh sure we did
but style is within
now is the time to let it out
dear friend
shopping and nails
you don't have a choice.
you once did
but now you're tired
and it's a-ok
to enjoy life
do the good work
and then enjoy life.

The Blind Leading the Blind

Whoever said we are supposed to be mature adults, well they barely have a clue
Whoever said that we as youthful parents barely have a clue?

Most friends my age are having babies, perhaps already but with small children
It's few and far between that are parenting young adults, tall teens
who complain and know better
who break rules but know better
and don't care
but still look to us for guidance,

young, smiling, yet sometimes tragic struggling artists living,

When did I stop believing that I was still young?
I was bitter and dispositioned at being misplaced
at the edge of 40
confused as old disproved and rushed
And have we forgotten it was just yesterday, last night in fact
we were playing rock n roll
this morning laughing from a hungover an all night of ecstacy and wine
partying until the sun shown in the sky

And have we forgotten we are still the rock n roll children
we own the night, yes still
in our high heels
in our boots
in our fishnet mascara houndstooth
and truth be told, yes we can lead these kids all right
we are not the blind leading the blind

No, we don't hide and pretend, feigning those adult lies
We are who we are in our 30's with teens in our wake
with teenagers in our wake
barely young enough to be old parents

but we're definitely there

Open Road Rapture

So I am drinking wine again, after staying up all night until 10AM with you
And I'm tired but focused
Happy but sad

My life has changed oh yes it has
just a year ago
a houseful or rock n roll
now daddy boy children
our lives continue to unfold

the early days and dreams were somehow preserved
but too many late nights lonely
not out on the road
we reasoned but one day
we reckoned frozen to the bone
cold and alone

So we're onto new creative projects
though the old ones still forge us
and somedays I falter
as I miss the freedom concept
open road rapture

Do the right thing
And I will support you
I always thought boundaries
were forceful
Suggesting wrong or good
I never thought boundaries were personal
respect me you fool

But no longer can we play the fool
4 decades in
no longer can we let this happen
We can't let the weak win

Wisdom is strength only when exercised
Wisdom and strength are good when exercised.
When you're onto something good something real
just persevere
The promise you can feel

I guess the saddest part is that if it's good
it doesn't mean it's right
and if it's right, it might not feel good
but what road you choose is it the one that rules the roost?

Depressed girls make good art....

Depressed girls make good art
Saddened by loss and confused and misunderstood still driven
To create

Depressed girls ambitious and motivated
in the Los Angeles sun
in the San Fernando Valley heat
driving
in the desert sun
driving

Sad girls make good music
make good sounds
not accepting defeat
not willing to look back into the eyes of the mother
or the eyes of the beholder
not willing anymore to
re-write the story
over and over

Angry, used, misjudged and misunderstood
slender arms exposed and confused
long legs tanned and bruised
Lonely girls making good art, films, music and books
Eaten up inside, the flesh intolerant and skewed

Ambitious and hungry from the outside it seems
Depressed and driven
only when exposed from within

And the happy girls are still sick from pretending
Tired of lying
and vomiting up their lunches

Unabashedly America

People unabashedly bash America. Americans, who have lived here all their lives. Like myself born and bred in America.
There was a time when born and bred in America was a good thing as exemplified by the Born in America plaque complete with an Eagle and a Harley Davidson motorcycle that is hanging on the bedroom wall of the California suburban home I grew up in.

People bash America. And I am guilty of doing the same. Having traveled around the country and the world, drawn to culture, color and the third world. Drawn to the overseas, the different, the cities, the light, I have hated America and it's vast nothingness lacking culture and color. And Americans.

But I always come back to the comforts and simple comfortable blissful freedom of America. I always crave the open empty roads of a place I call home. Deserts and dry land. Marsh, mosquitoes and swamps. Mountains, trees, covered in snow, sunny beaches and warm sand, miles and miles and miles of open empty road. Blissful, sunny, warm, dried up, unaware, ignorant, and alone America. Unabashedly America. America stands alone. But there was a time I hated America. And I still do in so many ways. I deplore and despise it's empty souless ways. It's racist presidents and faux democracy. It's pretense and lies. We hate it here and we think there is a better place. We finally have a black president and we're still not happy. We focus on his short comings, and the fact that gay marriage is not legal. But how many of us would get married if it wasn't prescribed by society to begin with. We're backwards and unhappy, we blame America because we have no one else to blame. We blame Bush and his inside jobs. Yes, it's a fucked up corrupt place to be. But it's America. Still. At least we still have our speech.
Unabashedly America. We have poverty on our streets. We're sad and we want to help. We see the poverty of the 3rd world. We're sad and we want to help. We are blessed and fortunate to live in a place where we can help.
Yet, we love to complain. And, guess what in America we complain.
America. A place where we can get in our car and drive. Where a woman, can get in her car and just drive. Stop in the middle of nowhere and take a shower at a truck stop.

The Free Open Road.

I smiled shocked and in awe when a woman told me she would drive from Los Angeles to Colorado and stop at a truck stop to take her shower. An unabashed American woman. Unabashedly American.
Fuck it.

America still exists. And we Americans still exist. We still love and live and dream of a place to be Free. A place of Freedom. We still breathe in the hope of Freedom. And everyday more and more people land in America, step foot across the Southern borders to call this place home, to claim a piece of the Freedom.

I've traveled the world too. All us Americans who so quickly and easily bash the land that we've called home, we've been lucky to call home, that gave us shelter and safety. A place to speak out against the war in the rest of the world. While others are dying. Still, all we can focus on is how we were lied to and how the other people lived and dided. It's not just, no it's not fair, but then again, who said life was fair? We get to write, speak out, talk about how unfair it is to be an American. An unabashed American. And now it's considered so UnAmerican to be proud to be an American.