indecisive

feeling so indecisive today what to do
should one continue to drive and drive and drive
or should one merely sit back and enjoy the countryside
is it possible to drive and enjoy, but maybe not when someone else is behind the wheel
and when you wanna be in a different car
with different people
when in actuality that is not even the truth
the people in this car are quite fun indeed

feeling so indecisive today where to go
a million things piled on my plate
and last night a sugar coma ensued

do all 3 you may have time indeed
or just take it easy and wait....

i love

to spend a quiet afternoon at home, in the shade, in total silence
after the house had been cleaned, and make myself dinner, write a song.

shifting gears

and in reverse, but not for this gal and not at this time, unless it's a mere two steps back to go one step forward.
but during this retrograde it's time to sit and think they say, so they say, which is fine i say

and it's really a matter of time and of money
and it's really a matter of time and of money
and art cannot exist without the latter
art cannot exist unless you can subsist
you need to make money
you need to make a living
how can you make art if you can't feed yourself

that's what my father always says

that's what the fathers always say

and can we incorporate art and humanity while balancing your beauty sleep and spending money livelihood and livability she cries as she drives on the freeway down the mountainous stretch, overpass. the sun glaring on her skin arms and face, the greenhouse effect should get her light on her feet but the other day got her down.

dead weight

don't get caught up with dead weight
one that is all three spiritually, physically and mentally sinking

because they will deadpan and hold you back

when you come together for a reason, it can only be art and passion
otherwise there is no reason

people getting greedy, when their limitations really don't match up, and it's painful and away far but it's even harder when they strike out, it's really truly odd and ungrateful behaviour.

the latest destination

in the front yard bits of pieces of cars and furniture strewn,
inside the laughter of people, smoking and drinking, and a microphone
on these barren valley streets, the sun goes down
at the walgreens the high school kids lolly around
theres overflowing garages and many friends, some high density chaos
teen pregnant mothers and working class men
hanging out on the streets into all hours of the night
it looks like a quiet working class suburb but it's really a rock and roll destination
with long hair and half japan, half oakland and out the closet, the rock and roll dream all subsiding together together
let's go over the hill, or not, where all the pretentions beautiful people dream
here on the other side people live life simple to be simple and never never clean

i've been pulled away from the city and into this wasteland again
but i brought myself back here 100% on purpose, only 7 miles away, knowing it's rock and roll black smoke cloud is in my bones, and the vast desert space allows our energies to flow. though seemingly stark and infertile, arid and dry, it's comfort and sun and impoverished cactus plants on the dried up lawn, motorcycle parts, broken air-conditioners, some picket some barbed wire, if you try real hard you can smell the methamphetamine in the air, and the scent of the virgines maria, while you squint at the illegal aliens, scraping food from the bottom of our plate, mmm vegan mexican miss Leonore, it's all here in the valley of the dolls.

on being light and vague

there is no need to hurt people's feelings when you're feeling this cut-throat
like a dog in a dog eat dog world, since you're a huge opportunist rat anyway right? and up until now had to lie your way to where you are, being even more light and vague than imaginable. that was your youth. light and vague. more so than you're willing to now. people thought you were something else. someone else. maybe you even had yourself fooled. or you were just taking your time, in no hurry, wise and knowing that this what you needed to do at the time, where you needed to be, even though it left you so unfulfilled and angry. frustrated. but you took the steps you needed, the baby steps you needed. for you. i guess people didn't know. and they walked all over you thinking you weak, when you had a plan all along, a blueprint that would materialize in it's own time.

finally she says you realize your worth. finally you agree you realize your worth. finally in reality you know that that's not the case at all, but that now all your time is done, dues and debts paid, get out of jail after 3 turns on the dice. finally i guess it's time to live your life. free from the prison you yourself created, for a reason, I say. For a reason, you say.

followed by a rough and long weekend...

monday night and it's still going strong or smelling fowl of the weekend that splattered into pieces and back together again
and the holes leave me sad, such a sentimental fool, and the tables turn and the friends come home, after a long time in the other country
with long hair and unshaven legs, singing of freedom into my ears freedom into my own dirty unwashed jet black greasy hair

it's funny how when you follow your spirit into your soul, your fellow aura becomes whole, your world though feeble and scary stands on your solid ground, slightly leaning but not easily broken from the root. as long as you know, as long as you know. it's all inevitable anyway, but you'll do what is true, what you have to

the circus clowns, the songs and the semi-fairy tales, all of a sudden making sense, making sense out of mere pennies and you realize you've dreamt about this a million times, a million times over, and the night has been so long, the night has been so dark that the tears won't stop flowing. and you realize that the music still keeps playing.

presumptious

serially in tune and never missing a step
of course people go there to remind you of when you were not
but still at this age at this point of life it's the only thing i've got
that takes me towards truth and love and life
your best friend worries but it's really all for naught

being gay and loving a man is never as easy as it seems
being straight and loving a woman is even harder i'd assume, although i say just go with it and live with it love who you wanna love do what you want

but she's gotta come out someday i assume. and we need to guide her in the right direction. but lesbian bars are not her cup of tea. she is still so lonely. she falls for her superiors. her friends. she's just gotta come out, i assume, and then i may be wrong. presumptious. all our paths are not alike.

the rough and long week

they happen upon us like a sick and deadly pms
i guess you don't realize till it's over
the crap and shit you felt and angry words that spewed out of your mouth
all over
the drama of your life when there is no such thing as drama you drama queen
just trying to keep it together, trying to keep it together
when just feeling so ready to toss in the damn towel

and then all of a sudden its over
the sun shines and it's friday
all is hopeful and sleep takes over

proliteriate

time is such a commodity these days rare and arbitrary
sleep takes up most my nights
and so many people want a piece so many things need a piece deserve more than a piece
a cancellation here and there brings peace

god i hate the drudgery of the 9 to 5 even though it's slowed down
still wanting to take what i need, but somehow always feeling guilty
or afraid

not the evenings indeed for what i choose and what i decide is what will ultimately be
but too much absenteeism can never be good and i tread lightly

my blood boils hot when i think about time
and how i need this proliferation, and the notes keep coming out me
if only nurtured more nourishingly

god dammit its my time. and i want to own it. the day to day is killing me but i guess i'm still working towards it and i'm not as old and tired as i feel. so keep going. but all the million things that need me most suffer so dearly.

no more mr.nice guy?

when you are a nice person it seems that people walk all over you
and trying to be tough to be funny, or funnily tough just comes off wrong or unnatural and perhaps makes people angry. and there is an angry side to all of us, and if you're always nice then perhaps the angry side is a joke, something people don't think they should tolerate. or maybe certain people and certain situations bring out the mean ugly side of us, but to generalize seems so unfair. to pigeon hole that person to that anger to that situation seems unfair. and does it give the others the right to retaliate?

oh and the recording starts today

it's into the recording studio we go. off to see the wizard the wonderful wizard of oz. because because because because because

all these words that have been turned into songs will be turned into digitized numbers measure into measures of rhythms and beats. to go. so cool. so fun.

and the name is just a marker of where we are today. and no one knows what the future holds. so easily untold.

nature is non-forgiving

in terms like wonderment and merriment and reticent i lift my head off the pillow
the joke of the dance wish it would settle in my bones but somehow its stuck sifting through the recesses of my insides somewhere between the esophagus and the belly
how can i find sheer comfort in the natural way of things when nature in and of itself is so non-forgiving.
i'm finding it difficult to believe in the sacrament of the here and now, difficult to wait for the future which is only shaped by what you do now. afraid of the pocket.
the words of the people ring heavy in my ears not knowing what limited advice and direction they offer. there words are meant to be helpful. when in reality you know you got here for a reason. and there is no lie in the truth. but there is perception in the facts. or how they are deciphered. depicted. and somehow some other way perhaps it could be rewritten. but the journey is mine. the process is mine to discover and unfold on my own.

some songs fall off

one a million songs. not all songs are good. most are crap and need to be worked, reworked, thrown away, pulled back out of the garbage, refurbished and reworked. playing them for an audience is the true test fo what a song sounds like, feels like and looks like. but then again the audience has their favorites. everyone has a different favorite perhaps. some songs are good across the board, and some songs are not so good. if the artist does not like a song themself they can self fulfill the propehcy onto their audience. the audience will know how the artist feels about a song. when an artist is passionate about their song it will come through. some songs just naturally fall off. maybe to be revisited. although some never see the light of day again.