sadness

has taken over
and cannot be shaken, because people and their egos, hurt i guess, and i'm too intuitive and know exactly what is going on, can so easily read between the lines, but have to do what i have to do what is best for me and get punished by everyone in the interim. and maybe i'm easily punished because i'm so transparently needy for these people and they know how to push my buttons, or maybe it's the opposite and i come across as not needing anyone because people just try to hold me back anyway and i'm going to do what i need to do anyway, or am i? or do i cower and feed people what they need? when do i start living for me? and i love our dinners, my groups of 3, dinner, movies and shopping. i love my dinners with my dearly beloved though we don't share the same passion for art or beauty and so many other things, but there is a lot of love. and i need to go to india soon, need to leave this behind, need need need so many things and mostly i'm just left so so so very empty. and thank you for coming and filling me on my day of need, but mostly, i guess you feel your done. is it something i'm not doing? am i really that callous and mean? and i'm going to be soo sad too when i leave, it's always so hard to start over esp as we grow older. and i don't even mind this 9 to 5 it's beauty and so close to my home, easy, peezy. and fun. but the new message i'm given is that i will be losing out, losing in these places and faces. friends that i've made conditional if only i stay. that's the message today. though you and i both know it's not true, in my case anyway, i make friends to stay. for life or longer. i do. so afraid of the dark. the quiet. the empty. and i think i know what i have to do, and i'm just waiting for the right sign or door to open.

today i met a friend....

halfway because she seemed sad


and when i awoke from this nightmare of being unaware and wanting to go but knowing there is no more
just laying in the sun.
my sister recognized my voice today
and i'm not strong to believe this way
wanting for things everyday.

and sometimes.....

i eat sunflower seeds by a tree
party with the traveling roadside musicians till i'm weak
be the life of the party then leave

wither away in my room full of tears
run away just to prove i'm free
stir up emotions with a whif of jealousy and envy
let insecurity get the best of me

wonder why they're better friends than me
wonder why i'm feeling empty
work work work until my fingers bleed
get happy cuz it's my prosperity

miss my everyday friends that used to be
near me so that i could see
whenever i felt the need

but they're off pursuing the dreams, their life their love their things
like children i guess you have to let them go
and accept the distance as part of the show
and deep inside like our parents we know
that there is a chance
our past is our past, gone like wind
never to be revisited or seen again
and these days i still mourn those friends
like our parents musta mourned us when we went....

13

Birthdays come in 3s or maybe it's death today 13, the number of the reaper
The final gateway keeper. Someday we'll all get the call
maybe it's today oivey

homoerectus

erectus homonexus ejectus
the negativity from your life

our birth given right is to be happy
contrary to what they feed you on a platter from day one
in this aquarian age

we all have the right to be happy
and i love thee and being in your place
our place
under our sheets

though most of it ceased to make sense years ago
it makes no sense nor money
but makes me drunk even when sober
and full when empty mostly

but let me tell you for there are days when the other shoe drops and it drops so hard
leaving a gaping hole in my stomach, in my heart wondering where we went wrong why we 're meant to play this game for so long

and i can't stand myself for hating something that i also love
so afraid of it's ability to sift like sand right through my hands

and my friends a plenty who know the love shortcut all too well,
love for all the wrong reasons, love for love itself is the right reason
falling and slipping under its spell,
rock and roll for the heavy footed fighting fighting with our words
then my teacher will remind us
we have a right to be happy.

mistaken identity

break one off and i'm off and running
making this statement or that about this pending singlehood 'n it's glory
and children, like babies, you'll carry one in your womb
and i'm mistaken identity, working my way back
or perhaps into a shell of a being i once was that is now being filled being filled
of guitar strings and throw away wings flying into cliffs of fog
san francisco dreams so far away of a day about 12 years ago
of a red haired girl

singing my way into my mental health my mental wealth and for you who takes all my money takes all my money i give it to you because i buy your love buy buy buy buy buy love hahaha i laugh
as if my richness were in my pockets in my bank book holding strong
as if you're getting any part of me that's worth anything at all
the beauty in me is broke broke gold and broke broken into something growing with the days
i'm no longer old like i have been for 5 years, 19 again youth spilling through my ears but i can see now i can see now i can see me now and you and yours that which is not mine but exists in my playing field close to me, because i treat it with dignity and kindness and never smother never bother.
leaving los angeles and jealous. not a matter of time or passion but will not happen this week nor next but maybe some month down the road i'll get my bearings and i'll perform this song next to you in your ear and sing and play until my fingers bleed and my heart bleeds and my lungs bleed and my vocal chords......
un man walks home, slight limp, head heavy for it's been a long day at work, but worth it he thinks but never smiles ever so slight, walls up so high, and inside awaits his girl.....

Growing pains...

i can feel them in my hips my lower back
it hurts this much growth
so much pain and angst and suffering
but I refuse to lay down refuse to lay down

and options and oceans be prepared for opportunity
but sit still
hurry up and wait
scary winds that could blow right by
blow right by
or make a sitting duck of a joke of you
if you sit unprepared. stand unprepared.
i don't have time to prep a speech
don't have time to prep a speech
but something tells me the pain in me it seeks